Last rose of summer

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build. A time to mourn and a time to dance....
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

turn, turn, turn....

Funny, isn't it- how everything hangs onto life. And how the last rose of summer is often the most beautiful rose of summer..

Seems that the roses won't give up- won't let go. There certainly are people who won't either. They hang on long after it seems that they should have faded and blown away.

I wonder what holds us here- keeps us hanging on? I wonder what keeps us from moving on?

We know that the rose will bloom again - come spring.

I'm sure that we will too....







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treasure the moments

It seems essential to be intentional....

I was reminded this week of how quickly things can slip away from us- moments that could be treasured can be lost forever...

I heard a story this week of a relationship that had been fractured- seemingly beyond repair almost 3 decades ago. This week, in that relationship, there was forgiveness and reconciliation. Four days later one of the parties died...

I won't tell the story- it's not mine to share. While in some respects- there was a "happy ending" there was also an absolute waste of time and the repercussions of that fractured relationship have affected many many other lives....

I hope that it reminds me though of how precious our families and our relationships are. I hope that it reminds me to take moments -like this one with my son and treasure them. Not to waste a moment....








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boys2men

Day 3 since the boy has left for college.... it seems he is already becoming a man. I think perhaps I have talked to him more in the last 3 days than I have talked to him all summer- and the majority of those conversations have been as refreshing as a spring day after a hard storm.

A myriad of details have confronted him- getting up on time, being at the right place at the right time, new roommate and new friends. He seems to be handling all this with ease.... finding his way from place to place, participating in discussions, choosing activities, cooking his own food, and if he is to be believed, doing his own dishes!

He is planning his life, dreaming his dreams, and my prayer for him is that he soars. That he bcomes all that he can be, that he enjoys the ride, that he finds those that he can love with his whole heart (and it's a big one ) and those who will love him in return in full measure.

I love my boy... and I'm proud of him. I believe I'll tell him so...






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oh great mystery of life.....

Went back to the office this afternoon to do paperwork and ended up staying long after I should have been home- curled up in a comfy chair watching boring reruns under the guise of relaxing from a hard day's work...

I stayed, not because I was overworked (and underpaid- although I am both ) but because 3-4 of us started one of those conversations that make me remember why I work for hospice and I just couldn't seem to pull myself away...

It seems like a very long time since we've had some great conversations.... sharing stories- pondering the mystery of life, death and the beyond... We wondered why some people seem to wait, why some people cannot forgive or change even with the great beyond staring them in the face, how some can wrap up loose end and pass peacefully from this earth. We shared stories in which people dreamed of the death at the moment it happened, stories of breaths of air on people's face that let them know that their loved one, miles away, had departed. We considered sources of pain that have little to do with the physical and pondered the power of holding a hand and sitting quietly to bring peace and comfort.

I would love to understand how much is in our control and how much is beyond our control....

There are people in my life who stimulate my thinking, enlarge my horizons, keep me laughing, let me weep. There are people who stand by me, who let me fall, who pick me back up, dust me off and let me laugh at myself w/o distain.

Here's to those people in my life.... God bless you.... you know who you are... Here's to years and years ahead filled with laughter and tears, celebrations and sorrows, new vistas, new joys, new children and becoming childlike. Here's to taking one day at a time- realizing God's grace is present for today Here's to exploring the mysterys, pondering and wondering together. I am so very grateful....

Here's to coming to the end of life without regrets.... controlling what we can, celebrating what we cannot, totally able to die that way in which we have lived..... and I pray that we can live full out...




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good morning mom

After 18 years of grueling work, I have finally perfected my technique. It is the perfect combination of alarm clocks and gentle parental proddings that result in a happy child leaving the house with a cheery "pip pip" "top of the morning to you" ..... a quick hug, a kiss to the top of my head and he is off out the door. No more yelling. No more threatening. FINALLY success.

He leaves for college tomorrow...



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A beautiful day....

Stopped in the park to finish "paperwork" on the way home

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... and yes, I just took off my sweater. Just call me
Mrs. Rogers....

Teens boys are stretching their legs and strutting their stuff..... they have just taken off on long, strong legs. Co-incidently, a few teeenage girls have suddenly decided that is the direction they want to go.

Two 9 or 10 year old boys have been appearing and reappearing at my picnic table for awhile now. I feel them peering over my shoulder, and when I turn, they ask me a question or tell me a thought. Always starting with "hey" They don't seem to want much, just to chat. The swings are creaking and kids are climbing on the jungle gym.

The bikers are out. An elderly couple just strolled by.

Even the traffic seems to saunter.

It's a good day to soak it in..... the sun... and the sights.... and the sounds

Here in this park it feels that all is right with the world




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beauty from ashes

I met a woman this week who took her grief and made something beautiful from it. Hours and hours were spent, sanding wood- fitting the pieces together. "It saved me" she said, as we stood and looked. None of the wood was new- and none of it matched- but sanded and carefully woven together - all the pieces fit together to form a pattern that is unique as it is beautiful. The wood was not strained - so that all the grains showed clearly- creating a wonderful pattern. I wondered, as I looked, how many of her tears had fallen to be mixed with the sawdust and swept away. I admired- and she acknowledged - with a hint of remaining pain reflected in her eyes- "yes, it is beautiful"

I sat with a friend yesterday who is writing- and speaking- and taking the horrific experience she has been through and using it to give others a message of forgiveness and reconsilliation.

We laugh as we talk- and we weep...

In the presence of woman like this- there is strength and there is hope.

I wonder what it is that makes some people take this road, while others languish for years in unresolved grief and bitterness?

I have heard the reference to the wounded healer- the concept that the places where you are broken becomes the place of your strength.

I am awed and grateful to be in the presence of thesse wounded healers- to sit at their feet...




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lessons

Just trying to find some space in a very busy week

Haven't had much time for blogging- or even thinking about blogging.

Did receive an interesting CD from a friend this week. She heard Wm P Young (the author of "The Shack") speak and sent the CD from that session on to me. Yes- if you live anywhere close to me I'll be passing it on!

I've listened to it a couple times now- finding it absolutely fascinating.... He speaks of living just in the moment- looking for the places God is blessing and joining Him there- of the absolute importance of walking- not running- in the direction that you feel you are being led.

I think it is the last point that I have been pondering on the most. So many times, if I sense God moving in a particular direction, I am tempted to run ahead- to push.... Grace, he says, is given each day- for today. Stay connected. Be willing to stop and wait. Be willing to stop....

He says that when he learned to live in the present- without the imaginings of what the future might hold- he found JOY... and it came to stay...

I'll be listening to it again tomorrow while driving.... and I hope that what he says sinks in deep....











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fireworks

Guess it's official-

The end of another summer.

Fireworks always seem to evoke memories-

sitting on the damp grass as a child, fingers in both ears

and eyes scrunched tight...

Cuddling my own boys, with my hands over their ears- listening

to assorted oohs and ahhs- watching their faces more than the fireworks.

My favorite fireworks are at Blossum - where we can sit on the lawn,

sipping wine- letting the sounds of Tshaikovsky's 1812 Overture wash through us while the lights explode in the sky.... The church bells chime, the cannons boom- Napoleon is pushed back and we experience it all over again...

Hope if we've learned anything this past year- it is to appreciate and treasure these moments

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Road Trip

My first born, Alex, is on his first Road Trip. He left with another guy this morning to visit his friend Zack at OU.

He dutifully sent a text about 2 hours later. "here"

Fifteen minutes later came another text (from Zack-they know how to work me) "can they stay?"

I wasn't surprised- I have been 18 myself, you know. I made them sweat it out for an hour or so before finally replying "k" (I know the lingo) followed by a brief reprisal of my lecture #31, just for show.

They are good kids- but still a mom worries....

I sat down here today to order Alex's books for school- but so far I have just gazed out the window, checked the blogging world.. and here I am....

I realized - somewhat to my surprise, that though I am indeed a bit concerned..... mostly I'm just.... Jealous....

Member what it was like to be 18 and Free! for the first time? Member what it was like to have a highway in front of you and the parents behind? The skies are blue, the air is crisp- it's a great day for a new adventure...

Soon Alex will leave for college. My youngest is in high school. My days of intense parenting are waning. No grandbabies for awhile, please...

Think it's a good day to plan some adventures of my own. I read somewhere recently that although you cannot change the facts of your childhood- there is only one person responsible for your second childhood....

Have I said that before? Doesn't matter really... I'm to busy thinking about road trips to care.




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listen

The word filtered down the pike today.... DIFFICULT family....
pissed off you might say

I heard it first on report driving to work, and I prayed a very intense prayer that this particular family would be on anybody else's schedule...

I told the Lord I just couldn't do it- I'd do anything else - bargaining
I immediately assumed that I just was not good enough- that this family would require someone with far more skill- denial
I got to work and discovered the name written neatly- right under mine- anger
I told my co-workers that I would happily do anything else- and we are back to - bargaining..

I milked it as long as I could.

Then I sucked it up and went....

I eased my way in the door, I smiled, I greeted, I settled in a comfy chair and used my favorite opening line "Tell me........" I said. And boy did I hear, the words spilled out.

The thing is- about 5 minutes in, my attitude completely changed. When I started LISTENING to all the things this woman had on her plate- my attitude changed. I could not believe all the things she was trying to handle- all the plates she had balanced in the air. It all came out in a huge rush..... concern for her mom and frustration with the hospital experience, sure- but beyond that she had a husband with problems, teenagers (enough said?), in-laws, a business.... and on it went....

Once it was finally out, once she had finally spent herself- the rest was fairly easy. The patinet's care was fairly straightforward, her needs relatively simple.

I left there feeling humbled..... reminded that we are fellow sojouners.... that there is much we do not understand.....

I left there feeling grateful- for her difficulties certainly trumped my own....

I left there feeling thankful.....

I left there with acceptance- and a huge hug....




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changes

More changes in my life...

Little ones really...

For years, I have attended a bible study most Wednesday mornings, then went to a doc's office to teach people how to use their insulin pumps.

Both things that I like to do very much.

This week, my schedule at my "real" job abruptly changed- no Wednesdays off. And yet another boss quit at the company I do the pump trainings for.

These, admittedly, are little things. Not big- like my son leaving for college in a couple weeks- or like the things we have been through in the past few months.

Still..... I was so looking forward to resuming a feeling of "normal" Guess that is an illusion anyway.

Have you ever seen a cutting horse competition? Fascinating. The horse is set on one cow, and no matter what direction the cow goes- the horse is there to cut it off and head it in a particular direction. The horses are phenomenal. Push button.

I had the great pleasure and the great challenge of riding one for a few months. Beau. Big, beautiful, black horse. You had only to sit on his back (and stay seated!) and he would do the work. The slightest touch of a leg against his side was a signal to him. He stopped on a dime. I know that, because there were times that he stopped and I didn't. You get the picture!

Anyway- it sortof feels like that in my life now. Like no matter what direction I turn, Someone is nudging me in a new direction. I keep trying to get back to where we were before the leukemia hit.... but it seems like that is not to be.

It seems that illustration leaves me as the cow!

Months ago, I used the words "a new normal" I guess that is where we are heading. I have the feeling it's going to be good..... better than where we were before.

At the end of a cutting horse competition, the cow trots off zestily and a huge cheer goes up from the crowd

I guess this is not a bad place to be.....

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