Wednesday, March 31, 2010


If I should die before I wake..... I would die a happy, content woman....

It has been such a lovely day. We left this afternoon to go to my favorite "thin place"- my grandfather's farm- where time seems to have stood still. It is the same road, the same trees, the same beautiful huge rocks where we used to play as children. The outbuildings are the same- and when I step into the barn I can almost hear my grandfather's voice.

Dan and I took a lovely looong walk, following a trail down into the woods, seeing wild turkey and hearing.... NOTHING.... I think that is one reason I love the place so. The silence there is palpable. On a summer day, you can hear a bee that is buzzing. Deep in the words, you can hear the distant sound of a tractor chugging down the road. The only drawback to the walk was when we turned around and realized what goes down must go up..and up.... and so up we went. One step in front of the other.

The farm is a beautiful place, but that, I'm sure, is not the reason I love it so. I love it because it was there that I was first loved. Completely. Unconditionally. Totally accepted for whatever I might be. There is nothing like a grandparent, and when I turn on that road, I can feel their love surround me.

We stopped to visit with a favorite cousin- and a favorite aunt and uncle. I love those simple conversations, where past, present and future all intertwine.

As we talked, I realized that a year ago on this date, my husband had been lying in the hospital, pale, wan and hairless. We were dealing with infections, cardiac arrhythmias and facing months of chemotherapy. A year later, we spend the day hiking. Truly, God is good.

Our day was made complete by a holy week service tonight comprised of only candlelight, music, scripture, prayer and silence. There is a peace in my heart and my head that has been eluding me for months.

I am wishing for each of you that you find peace in the midst of this hectic week. That there is a time or a place where you can stop what you are doing and be still. That you can take a moment to connect to the One who made you and who loves you just as your are- completely, outrageously and unconditionally

Have a blessed Easter

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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

moments in time

It's a perfect day for washing windows. And for opening those same windows and letting the sweet smell of spring breeze through the nooks and crannies. It's a perfect day for sweeping the porch and for watching the people go by. On a day like this, one remembers the sight of freshly washed laundry hanging on a line, and the scents of good home cooking when the kitchen door is opened. On a day like this, boys come home hungry.

I wonder if life really boils down to all the little moments and how we choose to spend them?

I think of 2 women I met- both through the hospice program. Both facing trials and tribulations. One told me, speaking of the last 50 plus years of marriage "I wouldn't have missed a moment" Her face was serene, her eyes had a warm glow. The other sat in her chair, wrapped tightly within herself, making faces at her husband each time his back was turned. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. It might have been comical.... if it were not so sad...

What are your favorite moments?

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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Guess who has an A in english

A text message any mother would be happy to receive... and I got it!

an A in english.... from my son.... who ever would have thunk it? So many memories roll to the surface- such a feeling of- all in that one little phrase

This is the kid who loved to be read to
- but couldn't learn his alphabet
This is the kid with whom I played hours of "games" each night of grade school
-but still couldn't pass a spelling test
This is the kid who hit 6th grade, still not able to read
-but no one could tell me why
"Such a nice boy" "he's very smart" "now mom.... he'll be ok" but no help
This is the child with whom I sat at countless tables, in countless meetings with an array of teachers staring at us. What an intimidating, overwhelming, stinking horrible experience- for both of us.

Vision therapy was the first ray of hope. I'll never forget the sight of my 10 y/o sitting in the big examing chair struggling to read a book that was below his grade level. Petite and passionate Dr Grant was explaining to me that "sometimes these kids will say that the words get bigger and then get smaller" - her fingers opening and closing as an example. The child engulfed in the chair- engulfed in the sea of frustration- engulfed in expectations and demands and drowning in it all... looked up, wide eyed and asked "do you mean they're not supposed to do that?"

Dr Grant and wonderful Janet tossed out the life preserver. Some wonderful tutors helped pull him (us) in. Middle school, high school for 2 years, then to the vocational school... and finally to college. and to a text message.....

guess who has an A in english?!

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Saturday, March 13, 2010

"I'm a survivor"

Oddly enough, I am glad to see the rain...

It seems to match my mood this morning- torrents pouring down, washing away the winter, making everything new...

It's been a rough couple weeks in the world of hospice. Some people just wrap themselves around your heart- and their stuggle mirrors your own.

so, I'm going to make another cup of tea- sit on the porch and watch the rain.

Tonight we are going to a benefit for people who have cancer. Tonight, at the conclusion of the benefit, my husband Dan will get to rise to his feet with others and proclaim "I'm a survivor"

It's amazing how many thoughts and emotions hover just beneath the surface. It's amazing how the act of writing can distill and clarify those thoughts.

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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

thank you for blogging

I woke up this morning with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Technology kicked my butt yesterday and I fought with computers in one way or another from 9am (work) until 9pm (my son's homework that would not print)

I came to this computer weary, ready to rant and rave - just a good vent to relieve my stress, and somehow get through today

Thank God for ADD- you have all been spared my ranting...

I became distracted by a blog about forgiveness and grace. Then another from a mom of 5 children with severe disabilites who approaches her life with such grace and humor that I laughed until I cried.

So thank you to all bloggers...... This world can be a mighty tough place. Sharing our humanity certainly seems to lighten the load

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