Saturday, November 28, 2009

What time do you dream?

That is when my dreams start. And that is the time that I normally get up to face the day. No wonder my life often feels out of synch.

I woke this morning at my usual time- and made a deliberate decision. I am not getting out of this bed until I am ready. What bliss. Why don't I do that more often?

I had the best dreams- vivid and in color. I don't know why the baby turned into a puppy and floated down the stream, but I do know that when it freed itself just before the rapids, it was the cuddliest creature that ever was.

I wonder what we miss when we are conforming ourselves to the expectations of this world- out of step with our bodies natural flow? I know that if I had the opportunity to live with my own clock, I would be up half the night reading and writing- and sleeping until the sun was midway cross the sky.

And I wonder- at this midpoint of my life- if there are opportunities to live differently - to choose differently. I believe I will try.....

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Thursday, November 26, 2009


Thanksgiving morning - and no smell of turkey wafts through our house. The house is quiet and still-
I want to take a moment to process this...
It makes me stop and think of all the families I have seen in the last few months who are facing the holidays without those that they love. It makes me wonder about empty chairs and empty faces- it makes me stop and say a prayer for those who have lost the ones they love, or are facing Thanksgiving- knowing that it will be their very last one together.
I had alot of those conversations this week- people bravely assembling their families, trying to carry on traditions, wondering what the best thing to do is- how to celebrate life and thankfulness in the midst of death and tragedy....

I spoke with a lovely woman yesterday who had lost her beloved mate last week. "I keep trying to be thankful for all the years we had together, and what a wonderful husband he was" and then her voice broke and the line was silent for a long moment.

I know that these people will go on.... and it is my prayer that the experience they had in hospice will have allowed them to say what they needed to say- have had the time they needed to say good bye without regrets. I hope that their experience will help in their healing- that they will find their way to gratitude and thankfulness a bit sooner than they might have without the hospice experience.

I know that they will find their way- brave folks every one of them. I know that they will honor the life that they lost, that they will remember and that on Thanksgivings in the years to come they will celebrate.

I know that we -in this family- have much to be thankful for this year. After a year filled with chemo and angst, we are still strong. We will gather today at my brother's home- where the smell of turkey will fill the rooms.... We will return here together, stuffed ourselves- and I hope that we will remember to be grateful- to celebrate.

It is my hope that each of you has much to be thankful for this year. That there are memories to sustain you and goals to look forward to in the coming year. That whatever your circumstances, on this day, you will find your way to thanksgiving. Gratitude, it is said, changes everything..

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Thursday, November 19, 2009


I'm having a difficult time facing the idea of working today. There must be a better way to make a living! Any ideas?
My day off yesterday included a few golden hours spent with my writer's group, a bit of house keeping that made me feel domestic, an evening with my favorite guys and a drive long enough to spend some time just contemplating life.
Wonder why every day cannot be like that?
I got up this morning to type industriously, trying to spin out 50000 words before nanowrimo ends, in just -can it really be?- 12 short days. I'll never make the deadline, but I don't care. At the moment my mind is in the woods- wondering what that hidden circle might mean. I'm going to have a hard time pulling myself back to reality.
But alarms are sounding upstairs, the day has begun and it must be faced.
hope "ya'll" have a good one..

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Saturday, November 14, 2009


Just came home from a concert
My "date" cancelled at the last minute- so I went alone
In a way, it was almost better...
Sitting quietly, eyes closed, letting my mind follow where the music led
A bit of respite in an overloaded week

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009


someone I loved has died this week
i loved his family too
and though they are not mine to mourn
my soul demands it's due

I met them not to long ago
in circumstances dire
to help them and to serve
we walked together through fire

by the time the flame was spent
and the time had come to part
as we gathered round the embers
I knew they had my heart

I'll see them once again for sure
standing in a line
Hoping all the while
that they will be just fine

After that my prayers will be
all that I have
It is the best that I can give
and for my soul, a salve

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Sunday, November 8, 2009

Remember to Live

We spent last week at the beautiful Lake Lure in North Carolina.
We had no cell phone reception- thus no texts or emails. Rather refreshing.
We did stumble upon some computers midweek- and there was an email reminding me of this phrase..... Memento Vivere- Remember to Live....
Perfect timing...
It reminded me to take deep breaths, to walk around the lake rather than running to the shops. To stop and inhale the fresh mountain air. To appreciate a leisurely lunch lakeside. To stop. To remember. To appreciate, to be grateful......
It is a message that I hope I carry with me as I return to work this week. Even though your days together may be few... Memento Vivere... Remember to Live...