McDonnells and things

Just home from a family gathering..... a really extended family....

McDonnells from Minnesota were tracing their family roots back a few years ago, and decided to make a pilgramage to the McDonnell family homestead in Newcomerstown Ohio... hoping to find gravestones or records..... Instead, they found the McDonnell tribe- alive and well... They return every couple years - bringing new information and more family. Tonight we were joined by someone from as far away as Seattle...

Fun to see similarities and compare stories. John and Mary McDonnell had 10 children in the early 1800s.... and scraps of this memory and that float around and occasionally connect.

Some of the Minnesota connection brought with them the saddest letter-found preserved in an old trunk "she died today.... " and are setting out tomorrow to try and find the grave of a child that someone wept over 100 or so years ago.....

Nothing like a family....

Dan is curled up reading "The Shack" and sharing exerpts and insights...
Boys voices float down the stairs...

feels blessedly normal...
there is nothing like a family...





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to restless to sleep.... to tired to stay awake....


left the door open today for one of my favorite patients to work their way in...."doin ok" I asked. "if I were, you wouldn't be here" He said it smiling. He was, of course, right..... Sometimes truth jerks you awake.... Sometime you hope that a visit will be social and pleasant. Sometimes, when you become friends with the people you care for- it is hard to remember that you are the nurse and they.... they are the patient..... that their time here is limited.... that there is unfinished business to be attended to... that there are very real fears, and unspoken thought. there is pain and there is boredom The waiting.....

sometimes it is hard not to acknowledge- not to understand in a very basic, very internal, very unacknowledged level that this will someday be us.... someday be me...... that "there but for the grace of God go I"l

I might have shoved this in- buried it if my son's girlfriend had not observed "you look tired" and suddenly- I was.. tired and lonely and discouraged.... Tired of other people's pain. Wishing for a job that served cones or changed tires.....I could have worked in a preschool and given/received hugs and sticky fingers all day..... Or a park- controlling the rides and watching the people go around and around.

Instead I try to hug myself- to hold it together-to hold it in.... I serve nothing mundane- nothing that is not fraught with life.... and death.... decisions. Every decision is monumental, and though I often feel that I spend my life watching people go round and round- there is always a point where the ride stops and stops abruptly - often throwing people from their appointed seats into a netherworld they did not chose...

sometimes you let yourself feel a little to much.... get a little to close... identify a bit more than is comfortable.... sometimes the shield goes down..... soemtimes, it hurts like hell....




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rocks

I was thinking about these rocks today..

We saw them a week ago in Tennessee...

It seems like a long time ago....

We spent quite a bit of time at this stream... The boys (adult and teen) jumped from rock to rock and invented countless games...

We cooked by the side of the stream- chicken cooked over charcoal embers..... fresh cherries and peaches.... even smores...... ummm

Everything seems different outdoors. Fresher, cleaner, more inviting....

I wandered upstream a bit and watched as the water gamboled merrily-then, hitting the rocks began to sputter and spit. I watched it froth and bubble, sometimes merrily, sometimes frantically. Downstream a ways the water becomes placid once again- continuing a course that has been set out for it time out of mind....

Like life, I suppose. We wander along merrily, until Bam... we come up against a rock. We sputter, we spin..... The current flows around us but sometimes we seem to get stuck- circling around and around....

Still- the water always manages to make it's way downstream. It emerges, fresh, clean and inviting on the other side....

I remember thinking about rapids a few months ago- just as we hit the new year..... It seems that we have certainly hit our share of boulders in these last few months. I dare to hope that there are placid waters ahead....

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Lift up your eyes to the Hills

We just returned from a whirlwind trip to Tennessee.... 2 days of driving for 2 days of relaxing. It was worth the trip.

We needed it badly- I don't think I fully realized how stressed I was until I finally found myself alone and stolling over this bridge. The woods were so quiet, the rhodededren so plentiful and beautiful. I felt myself relax as the quiet seeped into my soul.....

There is something about being in the middle of the mountains that no other experience can match. Different mountains have different flavors of course- and the Smokies- to me- seem comforting....

I can remember as a child, sitting in my grandfather's front yard, staring off into the hills. I remember I was feeling desolate- alone.... I must have been 7 or 8 years old. I stared out at the mounds of hills and quietly intoned- in my best, most serious voice "I will lift up mine eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth" I remember feeling comforted- knowing for the first time that there is someone bigger than me- that the God who made the hills was hearing the heart cry of a little girl.

This week, surrounded by His beauty and majesty, I looked up the rest of that chapter. (Ps 121)
"He will not let your foor slip-He who watches over you will not slumber;indeed, He who watches over Isreal will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you-the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night

The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going-both now and forevermore"

I was comforted by those words.

We had been in Gatlinburg, and the Great Smoky Mountains 20 years ago. When I look back at all we have gone through- I see that God really has kept our feet from stumbling. When I look ahead to the next 20 years- I am filled with hope. Right now, it seems very clear that His promises are true....

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Blasts from the past

What a great week we had....

Friends Marylou and Becky B arrived on our doorstep Wed/Thur for a visit.... What is it about "best friends"? (my BBFs they would be called today) We grew up together-spending hours together all through our 4 years of high school... Endless talks, endless laughs Marylou and I spent hours together on horseback- every chance we got- frequently lost! frequently late- off in our own little world...
She is in S Carolina now, and Becky (not to far) in Findlay- but when we get together it seems that the last 30 years have just been a moment...

Carole arrived from Flordia at the same time- the friend of my 20s. I kept my horse in her stable and spent hours there. We ALL converged on mutual friend Elizabeth-gifted in hospitality and organization who laid out a superb spread and gave us plenty of room for laughter and talk. It was great to see Patty and Matt..... fun to meet again the neighbors of Elizabeth...

All of this activity was going on while while Dan was having his last round of chemo. It was a week I had been absolutely dreading- spending hours worrying about and prayng about.... Through it all, Dan felt fine- enjoyed the company- rested whenever he wanted. Marylou pitched in as a driver..... and though I could feel my anxiety rising at times- they were there to keep me laughing..... And as of today- he is still feeling well...

I got an email from another dear friend this week. She has found a lump- she was told she needs to see a surgeon for further investigation. I was so touched by what she said. She was at work when she received the news that this will require further investigation.... She got in her car to drive home, and almost hit a bird.... The feathered creature flew up in front of her car and proceeded to fly ahead of her for quite a few moments. "I didn't miss the message" she said. For her, seeing the bird in flight was a message straight from our Father- reminding her that He is going ahead of her in this. Beautiful....

I had dreaded this week- worried about it-fretted... But clearly, God was there ahead of us. He knew exactly what we needed, who we needed and He has made our path straight this week....

camp and things

retrieved Alex from diabetic camp yesterday
drove the 368 or so miles home with the radio on- felt so great to hear "America" "I'm proud to be an American (God bless the USA)" "My country tis of thee- great land of liberty"
Seemed like no matter what station we hit- and we hit alot of them- someone was playing something to make you remember

Drove through lots of country- the heartland- fields of corn, stacks of hay

He had a great time at camp- as always..... Amazing to me what they are able to do there..... zip lines, horse back riding, "crud wars", swimming all interspersed with diabtetic education.... Such a difference in perspective.... So many view diabetes as so limiting- they tell these kids over and over in so many ways that they can do whatever they set their minds and hearts to... Good lesson for us all- not to let our limitations define us but to let them make us push our boundaries and explore our options..... They even got to meet -and spend time talking with- the olympic skier who was diagnosed with diabetes.... what an inpiration for them.... and where else would they be able to do all that and spend time with kids from other cultures.... has to be life changing

we are so blessed to have found the aptly named "No Limits" diabetes camps.... and Dr Sam who quietly and competently brings his vision to fruition year after year....

makes me think about the people we see in hospice- seems that we have become more and more focused on the dying - when so much of what we could be focused on is the living...

addendum

Left here thinking about friendships yesterday and drove to Zanesville....

"just happened" on the way home- to catch Midday Connection-where the focus of the conversation was Friendships of Women...... odd, because I normally can't pick up that station until I am almost in Tuscarawas County....

I Love it when things "just happen".... The whole disscussion centered around friendships- what can go wrong when we make a friend the be all and end all in our lives- when we become too dependent- when we make a person an idol...
I've also been listening to "The Shack" on CD- so I popped it in for the tail end of the drive home... and strangely enough.... seemed to pick up threads of the same theme
and....Dwight's blog about Michael Jackson and his continual searching for love seemed to solidify the thoughts...

so...this morning... I'm thinking about that... how friends stay friends; how we stay connected- woven together- if we hold each other lightly- remembering that our dependence needs to be on God.... It is so easy for me to try and put people in that God space.... I do it all the time... then it seems like God taps me on the shoulder and reminds me gently where He should be...

I've been struggling so much in these last few months because it seems like so many people in my life are shifting at the same time.... moving, changing jobs etc etc etc My perceptions and perspectives have been off- so even people who haven't physically moved seemed to have shifted- like someone picked up the chess board and tilted it.... I am so grateful for the few relationships that have remained solid/stationary... like touchstones....

It does seem however- that every single time i/we have needed anything- there has been someone right there- often times someone unexpected...

late again- better get to work.... just wanted to put this thought in a place where I could return to it!

smile because it happened

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" Dr Suess

One of my favorite quotes- though often hard to remember....

Had a going away dinner for my friend and co-worker, Cynthia, last night. It is still hard for me to believe that she is really moving 1000 miles away (give or take a mile or two) We started working in hospice at just about the same time. I have learned so much from her. So much knowledge, compassion and passion all in one compact package. Always there with a smile, a laugh, a listening ear- and she gives the best hugs....

I find I'm not great at letting go- which I suppose can be a bad thing? maybe? but I am pretty good at staying connected to those that I care about....

It's a funny thing how relationships are formed and strengthened- wonder it's by accident or design? Funny how some people come and go from your life without leaving much of a trace- and some relationships seem to be cemented.... Funny how some relationships flourish despite time and distance while others fade before our eyes....

A friend from S Carolina called me yesterday on the way to work.... We have seen each other only a handful of times in the last decade- but we always pick right back up where we left off in the conversation.... I remember feeling devastated when she moved.....

would love to keep following this thought and see where it leads.. but I need to put some time and distance between me and my house and get to work......