back to work

Well, tomorrow it's back to work for me. I've been home an entire week (which is not nearly long enough) enjoying a "staycation" It turned out the Dan and Nate would be gone to camp the week I took off, and although I might have changed it- I kept the week for myself.
I chose to stay at home, just so our 19 y/o would have someone to be around for him

It was a good decision. Even though I took this week just for some Me time, M/T/W ended up being filled in by others. When a good friend called and wanted to get together on Thur or Fri- I suddenly balked, knowing how very much I am in need of a little alone time. She is a good friend- she understood, so I spend Thur/Fri doing not much of anything.

I floated for a bit in my brother's pool. Way out in the country- in the silence, covered by a blue sky- I floated and savored the sensation.
I slept in - well -until 8 or so, but I compensated with a couple naps.

I rested. I walked. I intended to read a little, but I found that my brain was so welcoming the silence, that even a book seemed a bit much.

Tomorrow I return- and I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure what I want to be doing with myself at this point in my career. I felt, when I found the world of hospice, that I had come home. Suddenly- things seemed to make sense. I still feel that way, but I confess that I am weary. This last year has taken alot out of me. It has made me question alot of my beliefs. I'm not quite as sure of the fit as I was before.

Hopefully, I can ease back into work. I know, from experience, that by an hour or so after my return, I will be feeling that I never left.

I'm going to focus on being grateful for the time that I had. Focus on remembering how glad I was to see my guys when they returned home. Try to keep my emotions in neutral for a bit. Try to hold on to this week of respite.

In 2 weeks I will be off again- this time to be the nurse at our elementery school age camp. It is a total change of pace, and something I always look forward to.

Hopefully, knowing that week is coming will keep me from feeling pulled back into the fray.

how is summer going for all of you? hoping you are finding a break in your routine and refreshment in the heat of summer...



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July

Spent the evening last night sitting around a fire, watching the sun sink over down behind the hills.
If I could have figured out how to work my new "phone" I would have posted a picture- but I "up graded" to a droid and it's way to complicated for me. My teenagers are having a blast, laughing at their techno inept mother

We did not have a plan for last evening- I couldof/shouldof spent a good part of it finishing my charting. It was a loooong day in the world of hospice yesterday, and when my friend Linda called and asked if we wanted to come out, I was tempted to say no. I'm glad I didn't.

The evening was perfect- relaxing with good friends, watching the puppy chase the cat- until the cat had enough and chased the puppy. Easy conversation. Birds singing. Fire.

I often wonder what life is about. Often, I'm tempted to make it as complicated as my droid. I think when I do that- I'm missing the boat. Life seems best when it is boiled down to the simple.
Love God. Appreciate His creation. Enjoy and take care of those He has put around you..

Have a great 4th..



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hello

I can't believe it has been so long since I posted here. I guess the storm of spring activities, (and the spring storms) kept me distracted. Graduation parties and wedding showers (everything seems to lead me back to rain- do I sense a theme here?) anyway, I digress.... One son home from college, another immersed in activities. Work...

In any case... just a post to get my fingers moving, and now I'm off to see what my fellow bloggers have been up to...

ta ta for now :)




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Blue eyes

More than 20 years ago a baby was born
A mere 4 or 5 months of age- or as we might put it- 18 weeks gestation. It emerged with a rush of blood from the safety of it's mother's womb and was placed in a plastic container, where brilliant blue eyes seemed to gaze at me from it's breathless body.

I still remember the feather weight in my gloved hand as I placed the baby gently in a sterile speciman container and screwed on the lid. I wanted to shed a tear- but I was an emergency room nurse- there was no time for tears.

We wheeled the mother to another cubicle- where she lay seperated from life and tragedy by only a curtain and her own silence. She had no words. Her face was a stone, and I knew not how to comfort her. I had not yet learned the value of a quiet touch or the meaning of simply being present.

We waited for her attending doc to come and write orders so we could wheel her out the door and move on. I hastened to his side when he arrived, ready to help. He asked first to see the baby- so we walked to the shelf, where it rested amid other specimans waiting to go to the lab.

To my astonishment, he quietly opened the container and gently removed it's contents. He placed the lifeless, weightless bundle in the palm of his hand and proceeded to the cot where it's mother lay. I remember that for me, all sounds stopped. I stood and watched as he gently, carefully, tenderly presented the mother with her baby. I stood and watched as, placing his other hand upon her shoulder, he encouraged her to hold her child, to touch it. I stood and watched as her expressionless face changed, as she emerged from that dark silent place within herself and hesitantly reached out with a finger to stroke the tiny head, to gaze into those blue, blue eyes and to finally place her child in her own hand. I saw her eyes lift from the baby to the eyes of it's father who had been, until that moment, a mere shadow.

I thought about that baby as I walked this morning. I thought about the way losses affect us- even losses of things which are not yet real- losses of things which are a hope and a promise.

That baby changed the trajectory of my life. I will never forget him or her. Those blue eyes are as vivid in my mind today as they were all those years ago. I wonder sometimes who else remembers that little one. Certainly the parents. I wonder how their lives were different and what affect that hope, that promise and that loss had on their lives and the lives surrounding them.

I thank God for the compassion I witnessed on that day.



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writing groups

Our hospice team is forming a writing group

Nurses, doc, social workers, chaplains, home health aides,bereavement co ordinators- all disciplines are welcome to participate

We plan to meet monthly for 6 months, and then evaluate. So far there are 7 people signed up.

This is not something we are taking lightly- years of thought, months of research and proposal writing

I am in a writing group in my personal life- it is very supportive and very informal. We "go with the flow" so to speak- depending on what project each of us has in the works

I'm wondering- for all you wonderful writers out there- if you have any thoughts about structured writing groups?




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The Real World

I have returned from my exploration into solitude- and dutifully recorded on facebook that I am regretfully back to "the real world".... but I'm wondering a bit what the "REAL WORLD" really is.

I am back to the schedules and the chores. Back to the worry and the stress of work and the humdrum of dishes and laundry. My mind, however, somehow seems to have remained in the mountains of Maryland and W Va.

I ran away from home last Sunday- taking only a suitcase and a very large dog. Not even a book. I drove for 4 1/2 hours before I realized that I had never even turned on the radio. I arrived exhausted at the Holiday Inn in Martinsburg W Va and fell into bed- only to be awakened by a phone call at 7a. The desk clerk was politely inquiring if I might be missing my car keys- as they had been noted sticking out of the trunk of my car. Do you think I was a little tired?

Two full days lay ahead of me- with absolutely nothing planned. The hardest task I had before me was to turn off my brain-and that proved to be a difficult assignment. I also wanted to find the headquarters for the Appalachian Trail, which is located in Harper's Ferry W Va.

I set off to find Harper's Ferry, with no map or directions, just the vague notion that it was somewhere south of Martinsburg. While this may seem faulty logic to most- it gave me the most relaxing drive, through the most beautiful countryside. Surrounded by mountains, driving on twisting roads... ahhhhh......

Eventually I decided I needed a map- so I meandered my way back toward I 81, intending to stop at the visitor's center. Thank God for ADD. I became distracted by a sign pointing toward the Civil War battlefield Antiem- so I followed the signs and landed there. There are spots in the world where I am sure that you can still feel what took place there. I once stepped through the gates of the concentration camp Auschwitz and felt the coldness overtake me. There was a similar feeling here. Not as dramatic, but present. We wandered across the battlefield, just me and my dog- looking at the mountains and imaging what it must have been like for the young men facing each other in battle on that day, for those same young men to gather their dead and bury them later.

A map showed the location of Harper's Ferry to the south, so we wandered country road, surrounded by those beautiful beautiful mountains until we found the charming town. Towns are not particularly dog friendly- so we had no recourse but to retreat to the National Park and walk on some trails. ahhhhhhhhhh Perfection.

It was not until the next day that I actually located the Appalachian Trail headquarters. The wonderful volunteer Judy (trail name Judo) had through hiked the trail herself- and was a wealth of information and stories.

We completed our day with a walk by the Potomac - a long nap- and room service- and returned to our guys a happy woman and a happy dog

so, here I am a week later- wondering. What is the "real world" anyway? Is it the daily grind of work and chores? doubtful The daily intimacies of family and friends? Much more likely Are those folks who are even now shouldering backpacks and taking another step in their 2000t mile journey experiencing more of what the world really is? Could be..

Maybe the real world is just where we allow our minds to dwell- what we fix our thoughts and our hearts on, no matter where we are?

In any case- it was good to go and it is good to be home



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running away from home

I'm running away from home.

Literally.

The last time I did such a thing was when I was 7 years old. I packed my bag with cereal and a cookie and bravely walked 1/2 block to the "hideout" - a little stand of pine trees- where I sulked all day and then returned, tired but triumphant.

I'm not packing much more this time. A change or 3 of clothes. Maybe! a book. Not much else- except some dog food and water.

I'm taking my best buddy Emma- a golden retriever. An old golden retriever. We are climining in the car on Sunday sans computer and returning on Wednesday.

We are heading for the tip of W Virginia- to be part of the mountains, to catch a glimpse of the Shenadohah and to just be.

to just be...





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