Got up and walked this morning just as the sky was beginnning to show the light of day and the birds were waking up from their nests.
Always one of my favorite things to do and I would like to say I enjoyed it- but truthfully, I hurt in every fiber of my being...... feel like I spent the winter on the rack in the Tower of London...
Every part of me feels twisted into knots...... isn't it amazing how our insides affect our outsides...
Hopefully the knots will loosen as we move into the warm healing days of summer....
My mom had 2 cousins that were more like sisters. (Our family tree has branches in the mountains of W Va!) Mary Margaret and Mary Emma. I could never, for the life of me, remember which one was which.
I took my mom to see them in January. We spent an afternoon with old pictures, old letters, old recipies, old memories. It was a good day.
Mary ( I'm pretty sure it is Emma ) was diagnosed with AML in late March or early April. She passed away on Saturday. I am sad for my mom and sad for her family....... and it boggles my mind to think that we sat there on that Saturday afternoon, mulling over the old memories with no idea that both our lives would be torn unsunder by those same 3 letters.... Somehow I have the notion that we both walked through the same minefield and while my family is crawling out on the other side- hers took a direct hit....
Mary's daughter used the Caring Bridge website and reminded us all in her last posting to be good to the ones we love. Isn't it funny how it always takes something like that to remind us- and funny how quickly we forget....
I must get ready for work...... Walking makes me want to write, and writing makes me want to read. Thomas Lynch says that writing and reading are really just 2 sides of the same conversation....
I read Katherine Hepburn's memoirs over the weekend- and now I see that I have her "voice" in my head.... disjointed thoughts, scraps of this and that, woven together like a patchwork quilt....
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
graduation
wow- what a great weekend we had....
Alex graduated from High School on Friday evening. Yeah Alex....
We had spent quite a bit of time looking at old pictures and collecting his memorabila... and as I sat in the bleachers and watched his class assemble, as I found his face in the crowd- those pictures seemed to tumble through my mind....
He has been strong willed from the time he was born- and it seems that God knew what he was doing when He gave Alex that strong will- because he certainly has had alot to overcome. I remember all the years of elementary school, when we coped with a son who could not read- but was bright enough to fool all his teachers until 3rd grade. That year, the work became less verbal and more written. Until then it seemed that I was the only one concerned.... "he's such a nice boy" "he'll be ok, MOM" I'm sure they thought I was nuts. Thank God for Mrs Samsa- his third grade teacher- who recognized not just his difficulties but his strengths...... Thank God for her example- her patience- her tutoring summer after endless summer. Thank God for Amy Harris who finally diagnosed his disorder and tutored him so patiently- thank God for Dr Grant and vision therapy. When the diagnosis of juvenile diabetes came just before his 4th grade year, it seemed overwhelming- to much- something we could never get through. I was so full of fears- afraid to let him go off by himself, constantly afraid of what might happen. Thank God for the wonderful people around us who reminded me that I had to cut the cord- had to let him make his own mistakes- had to let him find his own way- had to trust that God would watch out for him. It took everything I had in me to let him go off on a field trip on his own! and I thought those years would never end.....
But they did- and Alex- who is an overcomer- managed to survive middle school and find a place where he could not only survive but thrive. I am so proud of him for actually planning to go off to school next year. He has always had an instinct for what he needs and what he wants to do.
It's been a rough ride- but it feels so good to have made it....
His party felt like such a celebration.... We held it in the Dover First Moravian Church. There was a time when Alex declared he would never set foot in that church again - as a freshman in high school. We set him free- told him to find his own church- and he did. He found New Pointe. What a blessing both churches have been. I think he found himself at New Pointe- found a way to worship and connect to God. The High School Ministries have been such a blessing- the mission trips- the sports events- the worship.... And now, here we are back full circle...... Our wonderful friends at the Moravian Church circled around us, taking all the stress of a party off of us. The food was wonderful, the decorations were great- and best of all were the people- all the family and friends who came and stayed and celebrated with us..... Alex was relaxed and happy - had a great time..... and oddly enough has offered to usher and work in the nursery at the Moravian church this summer.
Isn't it funny how life circles around and around- and often times, you end up right back where you started- only fuller, richer and with more understanding than when you left....
I can't wait to see where life takes my strong willed son...... I thank God now for his strength.... and I hope that where ever he goes- where ever life takes him- that he ends up right where he belongs.....
Alex graduated from High School on Friday evening. Yeah Alex....
We had spent quite a bit of time looking at old pictures and collecting his memorabila... and as I sat in the bleachers and watched his class assemble, as I found his face in the crowd- those pictures seemed to tumble through my mind....
He has been strong willed from the time he was born- and it seems that God knew what he was doing when He gave Alex that strong will- because he certainly has had alot to overcome. I remember all the years of elementary school, when we coped with a son who could not read- but was bright enough to fool all his teachers until 3rd grade. That year, the work became less verbal and more written. Until then it seemed that I was the only one concerned.... "he's such a nice boy" "he'll be ok, MOM" I'm sure they thought I was nuts. Thank God for Mrs Samsa- his third grade teacher- who recognized not just his difficulties but his strengths...... Thank God for her example- her patience- her tutoring summer after endless summer. Thank God for Amy Harris who finally diagnosed his disorder and tutored him so patiently- thank God for Dr Grant and vision therapy. When the diagnosis of juvenile diabetes came just before his 4th grade year, it seemed overwhelming- to much- something we could never get through. I was so full of fears- afraid to let him go off by himself, constantly afraid of what might happen. Thank God for the wonderful people around us who reminded me that I had to cut the cord- had to let him make his own mistakes- had to let him find his own way- had to trust that God would watch out for him. It took everything I had in me to let him go off on a field trip on his own! and I thought those years would never end.....
But they did- and Alex- who is an overcomer- managed to survive middle school and find a place where he could not only survive but thrive. I am so proud of him for actually planning to go off to school next year. He has always had an instinct for what he needs and what he wants to do.
It's been a rough ride- but it feels so good to have made it....
His party felt like such a celebration.... We held it in the Dover First Moravian Church. There was a time when Alex declared he would never set foot in that church again - as a freshman in high school. We set him free- told him to find his own church- and he did. He found New Pointe. What a blessing both churches have been. I think he found himself at New Pointe- found a way to worship and connect to God. The High School Ministries have been such a blessing- the mission trips- the sports events- the worship.... And now, here we are back full circle...... Our wonderful friends at the Moravian Church circled around us, taking all the stress of a party off of us. The food was wonderful, the decorations were great- and best of all were the people- all the family and friends who came and stayed and celebrated with us..... Alex was relaxed and happy - had a great time..... and oddly enough has offered to usher and work in the nursery at the Moravian church this summer.
Isn't it funny how life circles around and around- and often times, you end up right back where you started- only fuller, richer and with more understanding than when you left....
I can't wait to see where life takes my strong willed son...... I thank God now for his strength.... and I hope that where ever he goes- where ever life takes him- that he ends up right where he belongs.....
Saturday, May 16, 2009
habits- or lack thereof
Haven't blogged in quite a while- I stopped in to catch up on Becki Reiser's life- wow girl! you have alot going on....
anyway- decided I'd better post just to get back in the habit...
amazing how quickly things slip away if we don't keep up on them...
I'm delighted to say that I have nothing to say! Dan is home (again) after a brief stay in the hospital and feeling well.... boys are great.... graduation is next week (so I'm sobbing) and I'm just trying to catch up on email and life in general....
Now that I have re- established myself as a blogger- I'll be back soon....
anyway- decided I'd better post just to get back in the habit...
amazing how quickly things slip away if we don't keep up on them...
I'm delighted to say that I have nothing to say! Dan is home (again) after a brief stay in the hospital and feeling well.... boys are great.... graduation is next week (so I'm sobbing) and I'm just trying to catch up on email and life in general....
Now that I have re- established myself as a blogger- I'll be back soon....
Friday, April 3, 2009
April showers
It's still dark and everyone else is still tucked in their beds. A gentle rain is falling outside my window. I've loved these times for the last 18 years- when the house is dark and quiet and settled around me. When I have a few moments alone with noone else's needs to attend to.
April showers are so different than fall or winter rains.... different than the storms of summer. April showers come gently- they wash away the dirt and the grime- they bring new life...
A friend is putting together a slide show for us for Alex's graduation party. This seems to me to be an excellent gift- and it strikes me funny that at this time in our lives we are have a bit of a life review...... First stumbling across our video tapes at Christmas time - now this.... We pore over the pictures- send them off to Ann- then watch them with laughter and tears as they pop to life on a screen...
I can remember- in many of those pictures- the emotion that I was feeling. It is with deep regret that I acknowledge that many times I was feeling anxious or stressed. It seems a shame now....
The thing is however, none of that remains when I see the pictures..... In the pictures I see only the grin behind the mud on the little boys face. During the actual event- I probably saw only the mud!
Wonder if that is what happens to us in heaven- if grace is like the gentle April showers that wash away the mud and the stress and leave us with the memory of what was good and beautiful in our lives? Just a thought....
April showers are so different than fall or winter rains.... different than the storms of summer. April showers come gently- they wash away the dirt and the grime- they bring new life...
A friend is putting together a slide show for us for Alex's graduation party. This seems to me to be an excellent gift- and it strikes me funny that at this time in our lives we are have a bit of a life review...... First stumbling across our video tapes at Christmas time - now this.... We pore over the pictures- send them off to Ann- then watch them with laughter and tears as they pop to life on a screen...
I can remember- in many of those pictures- the emotion that I was feeling. It is with deep regret that I acknowledge that many times I was feeling anxious or stressed. It seems a shame now....
The thing is however, none of that remains when I see the pictures..... In the pictures I see only the grin behind the mud on the little boys face. During the actual event- I probably saw only the mud!
Wonder if that is what happens to us in heaven- if grace is like the gentle April showers that wash away the mud and the stress and leave us with the memory of what was good and beautiful in our lives? Just a thought....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
gifts, garbage and habits
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The garbage bags were stacked by the curb last week, waiting for the big white truck to come and get them. My kids used to love to watch for that big white truck...
anyway, one bag must have been a little to close to the drive- when I backed out I ran right over it. Not only did I run over it, but it caught on something under the car and as I pulled away, I realized that I was dragging it with me. I pulled over slightly, got out- was dismayed to find that there were now holes in the bag and my garbage was laying out across Walnut Street for all the world to see....Took me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the trash picked up, the stupid bag unhooked, inspect the clothes, wash the hands and get on my way....
I drove off fuming a bit- and "it" hit me before I had reached the corner.... That really is what I do in my own life.... I had left that morning feeling aggravated and frustrated. I was mulling about people and problems- and I really was carrying alot of garbage from the past with me as I went to work.... Wonder how much of it I have left in a trail behind me?I've been reading Bernie Siegel lately- "Love, Medicine and Miracles" "Peace, Love & Healing" I've been watching Dan.... It seems to me that Dan is being forced to leave behind a lot of his stuff (garbage if you will) and get focused on what is important.... paying attention - being gratefulMaybe that is what this year is about for us..... getting focused, getting centered, being mindful, being grateful...... Paying attention.....
I went to my friend Becki Reiser's house yesterday to brush a horse. There is that old saying- "nothing is as good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" Applies to women too! That is good medicine.
I've been thinking about her (the horse- Lady) ever since..... I do believe I dreamed about her last night...Horses are such creatures of habit. If they do something once- they will do it again. This one wants to get to the gate- no matter where you want to lead her. She has a pattern - as soon as you start to lead her away she makes a circle- taking you with her- and voila! she has won and she is by the gate. It took her a few moments to realize that the apple in my pocket would only be hers if she left the gate....
Got me thinking about all the things I do out of habbit- wonder what good things I'm missing...This is definitely a different year for us- a defining year I would say.... Bernie says to look at this as a gift. So far, I think we have been reminded to find joy- to laugh- to have a merry heart...It has made a difference for us in these last 6 weeks...
Perhaps the nexts lessons are to dump the garbage and break some habbits.... I don't know.... but I believe I'll continue to ponder on it....
The garbage bags were stacked by the curb last week, waiting for the big white truck to come and get them. My kids used to love to watch for that big white truck...
anyway, one bag must have been a little to close to the drive- when I backed out I ran right over it. Not only did I run over it, but it caught on something under the car and as I pulled away, I realized that I was dragging it with me. I pulled over slightly, got out- was dismayed to find that there were now holes in the bag and my garbage was laying out across Walnut Street for all the world to see....Took me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the trash picked up, the stupid bag unhooked, inspect the clothes, wash the hands and get on my way....
I drove off fuming a bit- and "it" hit me before I had reached the corner.... That really is what I do in my own life.... I had left that morning feeling aggravated and frustrated. I was mulling about people and problems- and I really was carrying alot of garbage from the past with me as I went to work.... Wonder how much of it I have left in a trail behind me?I've been reading Bernie Siegel lately- "Love, Medicine and Miracles" "Peace, Love & Healing" I've been watching Dan.... It seems to me that Dan is being forced to leave behind a lot of his stuff (garbage if you will) and get focused on what is important.... paying attention - being gratefulMaybe that is what this year is about for us..... getting focused, getting centered, being mindful, being grateful...... Paying attention.....
I went to my friend Becki Reiser's house yesterday to brush a horse. There is that old saying- "nothing is as good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" Applies to women too! That is good medicine.
I've been thinking about her (the horse- Lady) ever since..... I do believe I dreamed about her last night...Horses are such creatures of habit. If they do something once- they will do it again. This one wants to get to the gate- no matter where you want to lead her. She has a pattern - as soon as you start to lead her away she makes a circle- taking you with her- and voila! she has won and she is by the gate. It took her a few moments to realize that the apple in my pocket would only be hers if she left the gate....
Got me thinking about all the things I do out of habbit- wonder what good things I'm missing...This is definitely a different year for us- a defining year I would say.... Bernie says to look at this as a gift. So far, I think we have been reminded to find joy- to laugh- to have a merry heart...It has made a difference for us in these last 6 weeks...
Perhaps the nexts lessons are to dump the garbage and break some habbits.... I don't know.... but I believe I'll continue to ponder on it....
gifts, garbage and habits
The garbage bags were stacked by the curb last week, waiting for the big white truck to come and get them. My kids used to love to watch for that big white truck...
anyway, one bag must have been a little to close to the drive- when I backed out I ran right over it. Not only did I run over it, but it caught on something under the car and as I pulled away, I realized that I was dragging it with me. I pulled over slightly, got out- was dismayed to find that there were now holes in the bag and my garbage was laying out across Walnut Street for all the world to see....
Took me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the trash picked up, the stupid bag unhooked, inspect the clothes, wash the hands and get on my way....
I drove off fuming a bit- and "it" hit me before I had reached the corner.... That really is what I do in my own life.... I had left that morning feeling aggravated and frustrated. I was mulling about people and problems- and I really was carrying alot of garbage from the past with me as I went to work.... Wonder how much of it I have left in a trail behind me?
I've been reading Bernie Siegel lately- "Love, Medicine and Miracles" "Peace, Love & Healing" I've been watching Dan.... It seems to me that Dan is being forced to leave behind a lot of his stuff (garbage if you will) and get focused on what is important.... paying attention - being grateful
Maybe that is what this year is about for us..... getting focused, getting centered, being mindful, being grateful...... Paying attention.....
I went to my friend Becki Reiser's house yesterday to brush a horse. There is that old saying- "nothing is as good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" Applies to women too! That is good medicine. I've been thinking about her (the horse- Lady) ever since..... I do believe I dreamed about her last night...
Horses are such creatures of habit. If they do something once- they will do it again. This one wants to get to the gate- no matter where you want to lead her. She has a pattern - as soon as you start to lead her away she makes a circle- taking you with her- and voila! she has won and she is by the gate. It took her a few moments to realize that the apple in my pocket would only be hers if she left the gate....
Got me thinking about all the things I do out of habbit- wonder what good things I'm missing...
This is definitely a different year for us- a defining year I would say.... Bernie says to look at this as a gift. So far, I think we have been reminded to find joy- to laugh- to have a merry heart...
It has made a difference for us in these last 6 weeks...
Perhaps the nexts lessons are to dump the garbage and break some habbits.... I don't know.... but I believe I'll continue to ponder on it....
anyway, one bag must have been a little to close to the drive- when I backed out I ran right over it. Not only did I run over it, but it caught on something under the car and as I pulled away, I realized that I was dragging it with me. I pulled over slightly, got out- was dismayed to find that there were now holes in the bag and my garbage was laying out across Walnut Street for all the world to see....
Took me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the trash picked up, the stupid bag unhooked, inspect the clothes, wash the hands and get on my way....
I drove off fuming a bit- and "it" hit me before I had reached the corner.... That really is what I do in my own life.... I had left that morning feeling aggravated and frustrated. I was mulling about people and problems- and I really was carrying alot of garbage from the past with me as I went to work.... Wonder how much of it I have left in a trail behind me?
I've been reading Bernie Siegel lately- "Love, Medicine and Miracles" "Peace, Love & Healing" I've been watching Dan.... It seems to me that Dan is being forced to leave behind a lot of his stuff (garbage if you will) and get focused on what is important.... paying attention - being grateful
Maybe that is what this year is about for us..... getting focused, getting centered, being mindful, being grateful...... Paying attention.....
I went to my friend Becki Reiser's house yesterday to brush a horse. There is that old saying- "nothing is as good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" Applies to women too! That is good medicine. I've been thinking about her (the horse- Lady) ever since..... I do believe I dreamed about her last night...
Horses are such creatures of habit. If they do something once- they will do it again. This one wants to get to the gate- no matter where you want to lead her. She has a pattern - as soon as you start to lead her away she makes a circle- taking you with her- and voila! she has won and she is by the gate. It took her a few moments to realize that the apple in my pocket would only be hers if she left the gate....
Got me thinking about all the things I do out of habbit- wonder what good things I'm missing...
This is definitely a different year for us- a defining year I would say.... Bernie says to look at this as a gift. So far, I think we have been reminded to find joy- to laugh- to have a merry heart...
It has made a difference for us in these last 6 weeks...
Perhaps the nexts lessons are to dump the garbage and break some habbits.... I don't know.... but I believe I'll continue to ponder on it....
Friday, March 6, 2009
plating
There is to much on my plate right now- I know that but I don't know what to do with it....
When dining well- things are "plated" and it is an art form
Things can also be thrown together into a casserole- when you have the right combination of ingredients- a casserole might work....
but I like things seperate.... right now I need to be able to see very clearly that the peas are seperate from the carrots and each are cooked to perfection...
Tried to go back to work today- very difficult. My role there is pretty undefined at the moment...
My head was here at home...
My primary obligation is here- my heart is here- my head is here- but I have to work and I have to function well...
We have so many people who want to help- but I don't know what to do with that- So many people are offering to bring food- yet we have no food! Gave the kids mac/cheese... there was a tiny window of opportunity when Dan actually wanted to eat- but by the time I had given him his IV, changed his dressing, etc etc- he was to tired and lost interest....
I logged on here in the middle of the night to try and sort out my thoughts.... the first thing that captured my attention was Dwight Mason's blog re: the Holy Spirit.....
I think I can go back to bed- rest and pray...
I think today will be ok- I will have to trust that it will.... People stopped and checked on Dan today-people will stop and check on Dan tomorrow. Then we have the weekend- and somehow this weekend I need to develop a plan. If I can't be here- I need to know he is OK here while I am gone...
I need to know what my priorities are.... and I need to rest- knowing that the Holy Spirit knows better than I what I need..... Where is that verse that says He understands your groanings when you cannot find the words?
I don't think it was any accident that when I logged on here in the middle of the night to try and sort through my anxieties that God was here before me- reminding me that He is in control......
When dining well- things are "plated" and it is an art form
Things can also be thrown together into a casserole- when you have the right combination of ingredients- a casserole might work....
but I like things seperate.... right now I need to be able to see very clearly that the peas are seperate from the carrots and each are cooked to perfection...
Tried to go back to work today- very difficult. My role there is pretty undefined at the moment...
My head was here at home...
My primary obligation is here- my heart is here- my head is here- but I have to work and I have to function well...
We have so many people who want to help- but I don't know what to do with that- So many people are offering to bring food- yet we have no food! Gave the kids mac/cheese... there was a tiny window of opportunity when Dan actually wanted to eat- but by the time I had given him his IV, changed his dressing, etc etc- he was to tired and lost interest....
I logged on here in the middle of the night to try and sort out my thoughts.... the first thing that captured my attention was Dwight Mason's blog re: the Holy Spirit.....
I think I can go back to bed- rest and pray...
I think today will be ok- I will have to trust that it will.... People stopped and checked on Dan today-people will stop and check on Dan tomorrow. Then we have the weekend- and somehow this weekend I need to develop a plan. If I can't be here- I need to know he is OK here while I am gone...
I need to know what my priorities are.... and I need to rest- knowing that the Holy Spirit knows better than I what I need..... Where is that verse that says He understands your groanings when you cannot find the words?
I don't think it was any accident that when I logged on here in the middle of the night to try and sort through my anxieties that God was here before me- reminding me that He is in control......
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