It's still dark and everyone else is still tucked in their beds. A gentle rain is falling outside my window. I've loved these times for the last 18 years- when the house is dark and quiet and settled around me. When I have a few moments alone with noone else's needs to attend to.
April showers are so different than fall or winter rains.... different than the storms of summer. April showers come gently- they wash away the dirt and the grime- they bring new life...
A friend is putting together a slide show for us for Alex's graduation party. This seems to me to be an excellent gift- and it strikes me funny that at this time in our lives we are have a bit of a life review...... First stumbling across our video tapes at Christmas time - now this.... We pore over the pictures- send them off to Ann- then watch them with laughter and tears as they pop to life on a screen...
I can remember- in many of those pictures- the emotion that I was feeling. It is with deep regret that I acknowledge that many times I was feeling anxious or stressed. It seems a shame now....
The thing is however, none of that remains when I see the pictures..... In the pictures I see only the grin behind the mud on the little boys face. During the actual event- I probably saw only the mud!
Wonder if that is what happens to us in heaven- if grace is like the gentle April showers that wash away the mud and the stress and leave us with the memory of what was good and beautiful in our lives? Just a thought....
Friday, April 3, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
gifts, garbage and habits
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The garbage bags were stacked by the curb last week, waiting for the big white truck to come and get them. My kids used to love to watch for that big white truck...
anyway, one bag must have been a little to close to the drive- when I backed out I ran right over it. Not only did I run over it, but it caught on something under the car and as I pulled away, I realized that I was dragging it with me. I pulled over slightly, got out- was dismayed to find that there were now holes in the bag and my garbage was laying out across Walnut Street for all the world to see....Took me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the trash picked up, the stupid bag unhooked, inspect the clothes, wash the hands and get on my way....
I drove off fuming a bit- and "it" hit me before I had reached the corner.... That really is what I do in my own life.... I had left that morning feeling aggravated and frustrated. I was mulling about people and problems- and I really was carrying alot of garbage from the past with me as I went to work.... Wonder how much of it I have left in a trail behind me?I've been reading Bernie Siegel lately- "Love, Medicine and Miracles" "Peace, Love & Healing" I've been watching Dan.... It seems to me that Dan is being forced to leave behind a lot of his stuff (garbage if you will) and get focused on what is important.... paying attention - being gratefulMaybe that is what this year is about for us..... getting focused, getting centered, being mindful, being grateful...... Paying attention.....
I went to my friend Becki Reiser's house yesterday to brush a horse. There is that old saying- "nothing is as good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" Applies to women too! That is good medicine.
I've been thinking about her (the horse- Lady) ever since..... I do believe I dreamed about her last night...Horses are such creatures of habit. If they do something once- they will do it again. This one wants to get to the gate- no matter where you want to lead her. She has a pattern - as soon as you start to lead her away she makes a circle- taking you with her- and voila! she has won and she is by the gate. It took her a few moments to realize that the apple in my pocket would only be hers if she left the gate....
Got me thinking about all the things I do out of habbit- wonder what good things I'm missing...This is definitely a different year for us- a defining year I would say.... Bernie says to look at this as a gift. So far, I think we have been reminded to find joy- to laugh- to have a merry heart...It has made a difference for us in these last 6 weeks...
Perhaps the nexts lessons are to dump the garbage and break some habbits.... I don't know.... but I believe I'll continue to ponder on it....
The garbage bags were stacked by the curb last week, waiting for the big white truck to come and get them. My kids used to love to watch for that big white truck...
anyway, one bag must have been a little to close to the drive- when I backed out I ran right over it. Not only did I run over it, but it caught on something under the car and as I pulled away, I realized that I was dragging it with me. I pulled over slightly, got out- was dismayed to find that there were now holes in the bag and my garbage was laying out across Walnut Street for all the world to see....Took me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the trash picked up, the stupid bag unhooked, inspect the clothes, wash the hands and get on my way....
I drove off fuming a bit- and "it" hit me before I had reached the corner.... That really is what I do in my own life.... I had left that morning feeling aggravated and frustrated. I was mulling about people and problems- and I really was carrying alot of garbage from the past with me as I went to work.... Wonder how much of it I have left in a trail behind me?I've been reading Bernie Siegel lately- "Love, Medicine and Miracles" "Peace, Love & Healing" I've been watching Dan.... It seems to me that Dan is being forced to leave behind a lot of his stuff (garbage if you will) and get focused on what is important.... paying attention - being gratefulMaybe that is what this year is about for us..... getting focused, getting centered, being mindful, being grateful...... Paying attention.....
I went to my friend Becki Reiser's house yesterday to brush a horse. There is that old saying- "nothing is as good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" Applies to women too! That is good medicine.
I've been thinking about her (the horse- Lady) ever since..... I do believe I dreamed about her last night...Horses are such creatures of habit. If they do something once- they will do it again. This one wants to get to the gate- no matter where you want to lead her. She has a pattern - as soon as you start to lead her away she makes a circle- taking you with her- and voila! she has won and she is by the gate. It took her a few moments to realize that the apple in my pocket would only be hers if she left the gate....
Got me thinking about all the things I do out of habbit- wonder what good things I'm missing...This is definitely a different year for us- a defining year I would say.... Bernie says to look at this as a gift. So far, I think we have been reminded to find joy- to laugh- to have a merry heart...It has made a difference for us in these last 6 weeks...
Perhaps the nexts lessons are to dump the garbage and break some habbits.... I don't know.... but I believe I'll continue to ponder on it....
gifts, garbage and habits
The garbage bags were stacked by the curb last week, waiting for the big white truck to come and get them. My kids used to love to watch for that big white truck...
anyway, one bag must have been a little to close to the drive- when I backed out I ran right over it. Not only did I run over it, but it caught on something under the car and as I pulled away, I realized that I was dragging it with me. I pulled over slightly, got out- was dismayed to find that there were now holes in the bag and my garbage was laying out across Walnut Street for all the world to see....
Took me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the trash picked up, the stupid bag unhooked, inspect the clothes, wash the hands and get on my way....
I drove off fuming a bit- and "it" hit me before I had reached the corner.... That really is what I do in my own life.... I had left that morning feeling aggravated and frustrated. I was mulling about people and problems- and I really was carrying alot of garbage from the past with me as I went to work.... Wonder how much of it I have left in a trail behind me?
I've been reading Bernie Siegel lately- "Love, Medicine and Miracles" "Peace, Love & Healing" I've been watching Dan.... It seems to me that Dan is being forced to leave behind a lot of his stuff (garbage if you will) and get focused on what is important.... paying attention - being grateful
Maybe that is what this year is about for us..... getting focused, getting centered, being mindful, being grateful...... Paying attention.....
I went to my friend Becki Reiser's house yesterday to brush a horse. There is that old saying- "nothing is as good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" Applies to women too! That is good medicine. I've been thinking about her (the horse- Lady) ever since..... I do believe I dreamed about her last night...
Horses are such creatures of habit. If they do something once- they will do it again. This one wants to get to the gate- no matter where you want to lead her. She has a pattern - as soon as you start to lead her away she makes a circle- taking you with her- and voila! she has won and she is by the gate. It took her a few moments to realize that the apple in my pocket would only be hers if she left the gate....
Got me thinking about all the things I do out of habbit- wonder what good things I'm missing...
This is definitely a different year for us- a defining year I would say.... Bernie says to look at this as a gift. So far, I think we have been reminded to find joy- to laugh- to have a merry heart...
It has made a difference for us in these last 6 weeks...
Perhaps the nexts lessons are to dump the garbage and break some habbits.... I don't know.... but I believe I'll continue to ponder on it....
anyway, one bag must have been a little to close to the drive- when I backed out I ran right over it. Not only did I run over it, but it caught on something under the car and as I pulled away, I realized that I was dragging it with me. I pulled over slightly, got out- was dismayed to find that there were now holes in the bag and my garbage was laying out across Walnut Street for all the world to see....
Took me a good 15-20 minutes to get all the trash picked up, the stupid bag unhooked, inspect the clothes, wash the hands and get on my way....
I drove off fuming a bit- and "it" hit me before I had reached the corner.... That really is what I do in my own life.... I had left that morning feeling aggravated and frustrated. I was mulling about people and problems- and I really was carrying alot of garbage from the past with me as I went to work.... Wonder how much of it I have left in a trail behind me?
I've been reading Bernie Siegel lately- "Love, Medicine and Miracles" "Peace, Love & Healing" I've been watching Dan.... It seems to me that Dan is being forced to leave behind a lot of his stuff (garbage if you will) and get focused on what is important.... paying attention - being grateful
Maybe that is what this year is about for us..... getting focused, getting centered, being mindful, being grateful...... Paying attention.....
I went to my friend Becki Reiser's house yesterday to brush a horse. There is that old saying- "nothing is as good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" Applies to women too! That is good medicine. I've been thinking about her (the horse- Lady) ever since..... I do believe I dreamed about her last night...
Horses are such creatures of habit. If they do something once- they will do it again. This one wants to get to the gate- no matter where you want to lead her. She has a pattern - as soon as you start to lead her away she makes a circle- taking you with her- and voila! she has won and she is by the gate. It took her a few moments to realize that the apple in my pocket would only be hers if she left the gate....
Got me thinking about all the things I do out of habbit- wonder what good things I'm missing...
This is definitely a different year for us- a defining year I would say.... Bernie says to look at this as a gift. So far, I think we have been reminded to find joy- to laugh- to have a merry heart...
It has made a difference for us in these last 6 weeks...
Perhaps the nexts lessons are to dump the garbage and break some habbits.... I don't know.... but I believe I'll continue to ponder on it....
Friday, March 6, 2009
plating
There is to much on my plate right now- I know that but I don't know what to do with it....
When dining well- things are "plated" and it is an art form
Things can also be thrown together into a casserole- when you have the right combination of ingredients- a casserole might work....
but I like things seperate.... right now I need to be able to see very clearly that the peas are seperate from the carrots and each are cooked to perfection...
Tried to go back to work today- very difficult. My role there is pretty undefined at the moment...
My head was here at home...
My primary obligation is here- my heart is here- my head is here- but I have to work and I have to function well...
We have so many people who want to help- but I don't know what to do with that- So many people are offering to bring food- yet we have no food! Gave the kids mac/cheese... there was a tiny window of opportunity when Dan actually wanted to eat- but by the time I had given him his IV, changed his dressing, etc etc- he was to tired and lost interest....
I logged on here in the middle of the night to try and sort out my thoughts.... the first thing that captured my attention was Dwight Mason's blog re: the Holy Spirit.....
I think I can go back to bed- rest and pray...
I think today will be ok- I will have to trust that it will.... People stopped and checked on Dan today-people will stop and check on Dan tomorrow. Then we have the weekend- and somehow this weekend I need to develop a plan. If I can't be here- I need to know he is OK here while I am gone...
I need to know what my priorities are.... and I need to rest- knowing that the Holy Spirit knows better than I what I need..... Where is that verse that says He understands your groanings when you cannot find the words?
I don't think it was any accident that when I logged on here in the middle of the night to try and sort through my anxieties that God was here before me- reminding me that He is in control......
When dining well- things are "plated" and it is an art form
Things can also be thrown together into a casserole- when you have the right combination of ingredients- a casserole might work....
but I like things seperate.... right now I need to be able to see very clearly that the peas are seperate from the carrots and each are cooked to perfection...
Tried to go back to work today- very difficult. My role there is pretty undefined at the moment...
My head was here at home...
My primary obligation is here- my heart is here- my head is here- but I have to work and I have to function well...
We have so many people who want to help- but I don't know what to do with that- So many people are offering to bring food- yet we have no food! Gave the kids mac/cheese... there was a tiny window of opportunity when Dan actually wanted to eat- but by the time I had given him his IV, changed his dressing, etc etc- he was to tired and lost interest....
I logged on here in the middle of the night to try and sort out my thoughts.... the first thing that captured my attention was Dwight Mason's blog re: the Holy Spirit.....
I think I can go back to bed- rest and pray...
I think today will be ok- I will have to trust that it will.... People stopped and checked on Dan today-people will stop and check on Dan tomorrow. Then we have the weekend- and somehow this weekend I need to develop a plan. If I can't be here- I need to know he is OK here while I am gone...
I need to know what my priorities are.... and I need to rest- knowing that the Holy Spirit knows better than I what I need..... Where is that verse that says He understands your groanings when you cannot find the words?
I don't think it was any accident that when I logged on here in the middle of the night to try and sort through my anxieties that God was here before me- reminding me that He is in control......
Friday, February 27, 2009
breathe
Well- nothing is normal. And nothing will be normal again.
Nothing.
I know that - in time- there will come a new kind of normal....
But- I wonder what one does in the meantime- in the netherland between what is and what willbe.....
It's a strange place to be in..... cloudy- no that's not it.... foggy maybe- fog swirling around..... not terribly uncomfortable but strange- like walking in a dream You can't see the next step- you know only to do the next thing..... totally dependent- like an infant- there is nothing to do but give it up to God...... there is nothing to do but let yourself be held..... at the same time..... life still going on- everyone is still involved in their own lives- and giving up big pieces of their own lives for ours.... dogs still need fed, kids still need up, the laundry still needs done.... Every decision seems to carry significant weight- like dominos- no- like a house of cards..... If I decide to go home, will this happen..... If my kids need me.....will this happen....
In the midst of it- people stop me and remind me to take care of myself..... to reground myself... what a blessing it is to have them..... this is a long road...... I think we are only at the first bend..
I can see no further than today- than this moment...... I take a deep breath....and another... third deeper yet.... I find gratitude.... another.... I find thankfulness.....another... I find faith...and another....
Nothing.
I know that - in time- there will come a new kind of normal....
But- I wonder what one does in the meantime- in the netherland between what is and what willbe.....
It's a strange place to be in..... cloudy- no that's not it.... foggy maybe- fog swirling around..... not terribly uncomfortable but strange- like walking in a dream You can't see the next step- you know only to do the next thing..... totally dependent- like an infant- there is nothing to do but give it up to God...... there is nothing to do but let yourself be held..... at the same time..... life still going on- everyone is still involved in their own lives- and giving up big pieces of their own lives for ours.... dogs still need fed, kids still need up, the laundry still needs done.... Every decision seems to carry significant weight- like dominos- no- like a house of cards..... If I decide to go home, will this happen..... If my kids need me.....will this happen....
In the midst of it- people stop me and remind me to take care of myself..... to reground myself... what a blessing it is to have them..... this is a long road...... I think we are only at the first bend..
I can see no further than today- than this moment...... I take a deep breath....and another... third deeper yet.... I find gratitude.... another.... I find thankfulness.....another... I find faith...and another....
Thursday, February 19, 2009
blogging
so- I've discovered why I like to blog.....
I haven't really been sure- I don't like to get to personal on the world wide web....
but blogging seems to wake me up in my own life....
noting something- or giving myself a mini sermonette (is that redundant? I guess it would be mini sermon) seems to make me pay attention...
I could write the same thing in a journal- and promptly forget. When I put it OutThere- I seem to remember...
I was leaving N Canton to get on the freeway yesterday- and I heard - as if in the distance- the sound of bells....
I turned off the radio (rock) and lowered my window
Turned out to be bells from a nearby church- playing "Nearer My God to Thee...."
The bells triggered something in my brain
I got quiet
I thought about the things I had written yesterday
finally I could pray....
It's hard to know when to take off and when to work..... My brain is in Cleveland, even when my body is somewhere else..... I need to be connected- to be guided..... so- today I am on my way to Cleveland.... first things first..........
I haven't really been sure- I don't like to get to personal on the world wide web....
but blogging seems to wake me up in my own life....
noting something- or giving myself a mini sermonette (is that redundant? I guess it would be mini sermon) seems to make me pay attention...
I could write the same thing in a journal- and promptly forget. When I put it OutThere- I seem to remember...
I was leaving N Canton to get on the freeway yesterday- and I heard - as if in the distance- the sound of bells....
I turned off the radio (rock) and lowered my window
Turned out to be bells from a nearby church- playing "Nearer My God to Thee...."
The bells triggered something in my brain
I got quiet
I thought about the things I had written yesterday
finally I could pray....
It's hard to know when to take off and when to work..... My brain is in Cleveland, even when my body is somewhere else..... I need to be connected- to be guided..... so- today I am on my way to Cleveland.... first things first..........
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
prayers
My beloved coach -Robin Chaddock- (google her- she's great!) asked me the other day- "how is your prayer life in the midst of this?"
I was absolutely stunned to realize that suddenly..... I don't have one....
I hadn't realized....
Funny too, because I have been in the car nonstop - and the car is often my communing place. I have prayed while driving back and forth to Cleveland- but not my normal conversational prayers. These have been the screaming prayers, the sobbing prayers, the bargaining prayers..
I put in a Casting Crowns CD one day- but turned it off abruptly and went back to my rock and roll (strange- cos I rarely listen to rock)
I've been mulling about this in my few "off" moments- There is a "should" in there- The little niggling of guilt.... but I toss it aside...... I'm learning that the "shoulds" are not much use.
Two things have occured to me- 1. God is an honest God..... The Psalms are full of rawness- David crying out to God. I love the 38th chapter of Job-where God is saying "were you there when I..........." this is who I am - this is who you are...... 2. This is what it means to have a body of believers.... I honestly honestly believe that I can actually feel the prayers that are going up in our behalf- that people are "standing in the gap" and praying for us when we cannot pray for ourselves.... I Feel it...
Natalie Grant has a song that is written for a couple who have lost their infant- it is so haunting- but it says "this is how it feels...... to be held...... when the sacred it torn....... and you've survived"
Held. Cradled in His hand..... He is God, we are not..... I can rest....
I was absolutely stunned to realize that suddenly..... I don't have one....
I hadn't realized....
Funny too, because I have been in the car nonstop - and the car is often my communing place. I have prayed while driving back and forth to Cleveland- but not my normal conversational prayers. These have been the screaming prayers, the sobbing prayers, the bargaining prayers..
I put in a Casting Crowns CD one day- but turned it off abruptly and went back to my rock and roll (strange- cos I rarely listen to rock)
I've been mulling about this in my few "off" moments- There is a "should" in there- The little niggling of guilt.... but I toss it aside...... I'm learning that the "shoulds" are not much use.
Two things have occured to me- 1. God is an honest God..... The Psalms are full of rawness- David crying out to God. I love the 38th chapter of Job-where God is saying "were you there when I..........." this is who I am - this is who you are...... 2. This is what it means to have a body of believers.... I honestly honestly believe that I can actually feel the prayers that are going up in our behalf- that people are "standing in the gap" and praying for us when we cannot pray for ourselves.... I Feel it...
Natalie Grant has a song that is written for a couple who have lost their infant- it is so haunting- but it says "this is how it feels...... to be held...... when the sacred it torn....... and you've survived"
Held. Cradled in His hand..... He is God, we are not..... I can rest....
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