pondering...

slow it down hold it cherish it

2011-07-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

The boys are growing up just fine
and more and more my time is mine
although i want to slow it down
there is an impulse to do the town

i wonder who i used to be
before these boys created me
i was a person then it's true
when all the world seemed bright and new

and who will i be when mom is over
and they are wandering far from Dover
who will appear when it.s just I
someone who wants to touch the sky

sorry... just a little urge to babble there.... Had a lovely walk this morning w my 16 y/o son. we were in the country by 6 am and walked, with the 2 lovely golden retrievers, 4.5 miles.
We walked up the hill and down the dale. we strolled past the house where we lived until he was ten. we talked and we reminisced, and i would imagine that there is not another lucker mom in the world. I have a lovely son who wants to walk with me, who carries on a conversation, who is light, easy and in whom laughter bubbles up easily. i have an older son who has found his way in this world, is stepping up, taking on more responsibility, planning to get his self back into school at Kent, while maintaining his full time job and who sat on the porch swing with me unitl the lights when down and chatted away.

the years have gone so fast. sometimes i want to stop them, to hold them, to treasure them, to scream that i have not gotten the chance to experience every wonderful minute of every day.

i don't want to go through life asleep at the wheel. to often i have let that happen.

i atteneded a baby shower this afternoon and I wanted to cry out, to stop time for her, to tell her to hold onto and cherish every blessed wonderul minute there is, becasue it all goes to fast.

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connection

2011-03-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

if you could go back.... even for a moment.... to the place where you felt totally loved and totally safe.... would you?

I spent a part of today roaming the hills of my grandparents farm. It has become a bit of a ritual - each year during the last week of March, I travel a few short miles and enter another lifetime. I go to honor my dad- who passed away when I was five and who's birthday was in the last week of March. I go because it is, for me, a thin place, a place where I feel connected to God and connected to those people who loved me unconditionally. I go to appreciate the wonderful silence that can only be felt in the country. I go because I can.

Not many people have a place like that to return to. I realize how blessed I am. When I was small I thought the words "over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go" had been written just for me. I have only to drive across that bridge and up a wooded hill to begin to feel the connection. When I turn the corner onto the country road I feel whole.

I took my sixteen year old son with me today. It was good to walk the field and the path with him by my side. Good to tell him stories, to try and help him know this piece of myself, this piece of our family. I want nothing more than for my sons to know this part of their history, to understand in some small way the love, the faith and the values of the people who lived on this hill.

If you have a place you can return to - then you are blessed. Go there. Remember- savor and thank God for it. If you don't have a place to go to, close your eyes right now and remember. Let memory and imagination take you back, just for a moment, to that place where your were loved beyond measure. Let the feelings wash over you. Thank God for it.

It will be worth the trip....

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break free

2011-01-25T01:21:00.000-08:00

There is pamphlet hanging on our church bulletin board. A sister church is going on a mission trip to Africa. They are looking for volunteers.
It suddenly occured to me that this is within the realm of possibility- not this year I imagine, but within a couple years.
My youngest will graduate from high school
There will be some time before the grandparenting years begin
A window of opportunity?
A chance to change the way I walk in this world.
I've played it pretty safe up until now
Can I break free and make some changes?
Seems like there is a whole lot of world to see before I leave it....
Maybe it's a midlife crisis, maybe it's all the things we have been through in the past couple years... but the world is starting to feel new and unexplored.... I feel like breaking free and kicking up my heels...

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hospice vs technolgy.

2011-01-06T23:05:00.000-08:00

I wonder how we remember the why in medicine while changing the how?

I wonder if there is anything that will keep us connected to our calling, to remember the reason we chose this profession at all

"I'm just a robot" my primary doc complained, the last time I was in his office.... and I would have to agree. We are all becoming a slave to the computers or hand held devices that are running the world these days. Difficult to make eye contact when there is a screen between you and the person you are talking to. Difficult to stop and really hear what that person is saying

Medicine is an art, as well as a science.... how do we keep the art without becoming a slave to the technology?

Computers invaded the world of hospice some years ago. Neat little laptops that we can carry into each person's home to find and record all necessary information. Pretty neat trick, if you can do it. I think that all of us -everywhere- were resistant to the idea. People who are drawn to the world of hospice are generally more tuned in to people's emotions, able to hear the heart cry. It is nearly impossible to teach a person who is drowning in grief or rage about the proper medication and treatments without first reaching out a hand into the pit of despair. Most of us have found ways around it..... sitting in homes listening with a pen and paper to jot on, then charting in driveways or on street corners- or at home on our own time in the evenings.

I don't think that anyone wants me sitting in their living room or at their kitchen table (usually covered with piles of bills and boxes of medicine, with food stuffs jammed to the side-evidence of life interrupted) diligently creating and recording plans of care and listing goals and interventions.

Yet, I want to be sure that the goals I am recording are Their goals... Is it more important to them to be pain free or to get to another soccer game?

I've spent the last month learning about our new computer system. Our latest upgrade. Sitting round a table with others, making sure that there is a way to document that will satisfy every regulatory body, will be complete and thorough, will address individualized needs, and will make sure every bodily process and medication has complete and thorough documentation.
The screens are bright and flashy. Different colors mean different things. So many little boxes to fill in and drop downs to check off. More things to pull my eyes from that patient and their family and onto a screen.

Hospice..... the word that originally meant rest and respite. Hospice..... where, if anywhere, one should/could practice the art of presence. Hospice..... where the sum of a person's life is often being recalled Hospice.... where a family is making decisions that will determine how they will go on, how they will honor, how they will mourn, how they will triumph, how they will remember..

Hospice.... and technology.....
I just don't know....

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Christmas Season 2010

2010-12-21T23:57:00.000-08:00

This year has passed in a blazing blur, and the frenzied activity of the holiday season serves as a symbol of what the entire year has been.
Working full time in the world of hospice is challenging enough, but at the end of the year, in the midst of the holiday season, the mysterious "they" have chosen to launch our new computer system. Long hours of sitting in an office, trying to learn the system and foresee any future bugs have conspired to make this feel like the holiday that never was.
I came home tonight to a house full of boys and the sounds of "bye bye miss american pie" blaring. The younger was sitting at the dining room table with 5 other testosterone laden lads, while the older was ensconced in front of the TV with his favorite girl. The evening was filled with music and TVs and teenage voices. Oh, how I wish I did not have to rise early this morning and go back to the world of hospice..... how I wish I could just be here and soak up every millisecond of that .

I feel it every year... this yearning for peace and simplicity. Every year it grows stronger, and as I age I wonder if I have missed out on truly living. I longed to stay awake last night, to view the lunar eclipse that was a once in a lifetime opportunity. "The heavens declare the glory of God" but while God was speaking, I was sleeping.... in order to get up early and get back to the urgent.

I felt the pull and woke last night, in the middle of the night, slipping to the window, but all I could see were the street lights shining.

I left the computer session yesterday at lunch time, running out to see a patient who's sister had called me in tears earlier that morning. There, the house was quiet... filled with grief to be sure, but filled with love. Sitting at the kitchen table in that quiet house, nothing else really mattered. The new charting system certainly did not matter. Checking all the boxes, dotting the i and crossing the t so to speak, were irrelevant. Nothing mattered there but the quiet glow on the lights of the tree and the person sitting on the edge of the bed.

I suppose that is why I cannot bring myself to leave the world of hospice. It is one of the few places in the world where what is important supercedes the urgent. I could not rush into that house and back out again. In that house, I was forced to slow down, to quiet my spirit, to enter in, to feel the love and the pain. To be a part, however small, to be for a few moments part of something so much bigger than myself.

I know that we must, when we leave here, go on to something else. My patients show me that all the time. Their eyes take on the thousand mile stare, they talk to people that we cannot see. They are attended to by someone who has chosen to set their own life aside and care for them, showing me a purity of love that is not visible in the day to day. Their journey demonstrates love.

We see it when a baby enters the world, and everything stops for a bit to revolve around new life. We see it when someone exits this life and moves to the next, and our whole world stops for a moment. Perhaps it was glimpsed in the heavens last night.

Paul said what I'm trying to say so much better than I... " And I pray that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the power, together with the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God"
Ephesians 3:18

That pretty much sums up what my wandering mind has been trying to get to.... so my prayer for each of us in this Christmas season is that we can slow down enough to glimpse, even for a moment how wide and long and high and deep is the love of God for us...

Blessed Christmas to each of you.....

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peanut brittle

2010-12-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

I'm learning to pick and choose this season... actually a lesson I have been working on for many years and will need to continue to work on for many more.
I an learning to slow down, to sit in the silence, to close my eyes and try to empty my mind before the day begins. I hope to be relaxed this season, to actually enjoy the things that we do as a family, to find some time to enjoy silent nights -plural- to find in the midst of the frantic holiday the peace that seems so elusive, not only this time of year, but all through the year
My boys are older, we are past the time of Santa I miss the wide eyed wonder and the pjs with feet. I miss those days and I confess freely to mourning them. Sometimes when I look at the men who surround me (noisily) at the dinner table I allow my mind to go back to the days of "hey mom look at this" - the newness, the freshness of life. i look forward to the days when little sticky fingers will occupy our dinners, when big eyes will once again stand awed by the trees... but right now, in this season of life, i am grateful to be able to treasure the silence..... to savor it.
The tree glows brightly in my living room right now.
The lights are out otherwise..
The aroma of peanut brittle hangs in the air, and I am filled with satisfaction, knowing that if nothing else gets done for the remainder of the year, our family and friends will have evidence that we love them and our thinking of them with our simple gift of peanut brittle.

It is so easy to make... I think I will share the recipe with you. Let's see if I know it by heart

get a glass measuring cup the kind that holds 4 cups.
put in it 1/2 cup of kayro syrup, a dash of salt, 1 cup of sugar and 1 1/2 cup raw peanuts
microwave for 7-9 minutes
stir
throw in a t of vanilla and a T of butter
microwave again for 3 minutes
put in 1 t of baking soda and watch in amazement as your beautiful peanut brittle turns a peuky green. Do not despair. Pour out onto parchment paper to cool for 15 minutes before breaking into pieces. Use caution when licking the spoon for the candy will be hot

Package in attractive tins or plain ole baggies and pass it out to anyone who might need a little Christmas cheer.

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Elizabeth Berg and Jane Hamilton. A pleasure to meet you.

2010-09-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

Just returned from hearing authors Elizabeth Berg and Jane Hamilton speak.
The event was a fundraiser for the library in the tiny community of Newcomerstown Ohio- and both generously donated their time.

They breezed in very late- so it was fortunate that the food, wine and company at the Raven Glen Winery was so delicious.

They breezed in without apology for their lateness, and were filled with humerous antedotes of their travails with the GPS. I must say that no apology was needed. Their laughter filled the room. Their generous spirit and warm hearts filled our souls. Their lighthearted admiration and love for each other inspired.

I came home feeling renewed by the experience. I have never read Jane Hamilton (but I will be soon) Her writing was described to me as "dark"..... so it fascinates me to know that she is filled with such humor and wit....
I love the books of Elizabeth Berg. She seems to see the inside- the extrordinary in the ordinary.

All in all... it was a lovely evening. I wish I could thank these ladies in person

They traveled many miles to help a small town save it's library. The ladies of that library are obviously passionate about their mission. It was an honor and a joy to have a small part in helping them meet their goal....

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21 years

2010-08-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

My father in law had an old joke

"I've been happily married for 30 years" he would say "Out of 40, that's not bad" He was quite the card....

We have been married for 21 years this month.

We went back, on the evening of our anniversary, to our very first home. It is currently for sale and sits empty (and lonely) so we took advantage and spent a little time exploring our old stomping grounds.

It's amazing how many memories a place can hold. We had our very first date on the hillside above the barn- a picnic where I brought snickerdoodles and invited everyone we knew- while Dan was prepared with wine and cheese, and spent an entire afternoon un-inviting everyone we knew...

It's the place we came home to for the very first time after our honeymoon. The old clothesline brought back memories, as did the birdhouse perched on a pole outside our dining room window. The barn is empty now, but I remember the work my new husband put in to put up fence and make a stall for my horse. Pulling in the driveway, I was almost sure she would be putting her head over the gate to greet us.

It's the place we brought our first born son to. A small outbuilding reminds me of the hours of scraping and painting we put in to create a playhouse.

We peeked in the windows and sat on the porch.

So many hopes and dreams, all wrapped up in one 16 acre piece of land. We didn't live there long- less than 2 years, and we moved on....

Still, it is good to spend a little time remembering the old hopes, and the old dreams. I look at my 2 nearly grown sons, and I realize that most of those dreams have become a reality. I am a wife and mom and I am richly blessed.

It seems like a good time to look ahead.... to create new hopes and new dreams for the future. To be grateful for what has been and look forward to what will come. To think of grandchildren. Travel. Ways to serve. To remember the passions of our youth and to rekindle some of them.

I think that there is alot to dream about. What about you?

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back to work

2010-07-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow it's back to work for me. I've been home an entire week (which is not nearly long enough) enjoying a "staycation" It turned out the Dan and Nate would be gone to camp the week I took off, and although I might have changed it- I kept the week for myself.
I chose to stay at home, just so our 19 y/o would have someone to be around for him

It was a good decision. Even though I took this week just for some Me time, M/T/W ended up being filled in by others. When a good friend called and wanted to get together on Thur or Fri- I suddenly balked, knowing how very much I am in need of a little alone time. She is a good friend- she understood, so I spend Thur/Fri doing not much of anything.

I floated for a bit in my brother's pool. Way out in the country- in the silence, covered by a blue sky- I floated and savored the sensation.
I slept in - well -until 8 or so, but I compensated with a couple naps.

I rested. I walked. I intended to read a little, but I found that my brain was so welcoming the silence, that even a book seemed a bit much.

Tomorrow I return- and I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure what I want to be doing with myself at this point in my career. I felt, when I found the world of hospice, that I had come home. Suddenly- things seemed to make sense. I still feel that way, but I confess that I am weary. This last year has taken alot out of me. It has made me question alot of my beliefs. I'm not quite as sure of the fit as I was before.

Hopefully, I can ease back into work. I know, from experience, that by an hour or so after my return, I will be feeling that I never left.

I'm going to focus on being grateful for the time that I had. Focus on remembering how glad I was to see my guys when they returned home. Try to keep my emotions in neutral for a bit. Try to hold on to this week of respite.

In 2 weeks I will be off again- this time to be the nurse at our elementery school age camp. It is a total change of pace, and something I always look forward to.

Hopefully, knowing that week is coming will keep me from feeling pulled back into the fray.

how is summer going for all of you? hoping you are finding a break in your routine and refreshment in the heat of summer...

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July

2010-07-03T04:26:00.000-07:00

Spent the evening last night sitting around a fire, watching the sun sink over down behind the hills.
If I could have figured out how to work my new "phone" I would have posted a picture- but I "up graded" to a droid and it's way to complicated for me. My teenagers are having a blast, laughing at their techno inept mother

We did not have a plan for last evening- I couldof/shouldof spent a good part of it finishing my charting. It was a loooong day in the world of hospice yesterday, and when my friend Linda called and asked if we wanted to come out, I was tempted to say no. I'm glad I didn't.

The evening was perfect- relaxing with good friends, watching the puppy chase the cat- until the cat had enough and chased the puppy. Easy conversation. Birds singing. Fire.

I often wonder what life is about. Often, I'm tempted to make it as complicated as my droid. I think when I do that- I'm missing the boat. Life seems best when it is boiled down to the simple.
Love God. Appreciate His creation. Enjoy and take care of those He has put around you..

Have a great 4th..

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hello

2010-06-16T06:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I posted here. I guess the storm of spring activities, (and the spring storms) kept me distracted. Graduation parties and wedding showers (everything seems to lead me back to rain- do I sense a theme here?) anyway, I digress.... One son home from college, another immersed in activities. Work...

In any case... just a post to get my fingers moving, and now I'm off to see what my fellow bloggers have been up to...

ta ta for now :)

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Blue eyes

2010-05-01T06:08:00.000-07:00

More than 20 years ago a baby was born
A mere 4 or 5 months of age- or as we might put it- 18 weeks gestation. It emerged with a rush of blood from the safety of it's mother's womb and was placed in a plastic container, where brilliant blue eyes seemed to gaze at me from it's breathless body.

I still remember the feather weight in my gloved hand as I placed the baby gently in a sterile speciman container and screwed on the lid. I wanted to shed a tear- but I was an emergency room nurse- there was no time for tears.

We wheeled the mother to another cubicle- where she lay seperated from life and tragedy by only a curtain and her own silence. She had no words. Her face was a stone, and I knew not how to comfort her. I had not yet learned the value of a quiet touch or the meaning of simply being present.

We waited for her attending doc to come and write orders so we could wheel her out the door and move on. I hastened to his side when he arrived, ready to help. He asked first to see the baby- so we walked to the shelf, where it rested amid other specimans waiting to go to the lab.

To my astonishment, he quietly opened the container and gently removed it's contents. He placed the lifeless, weightless bundle in the palm of his hand and proceeded to the cot where it's mother lay. I remember that for me, all sounds stopped. I stood and watched as he gently, carefully, tenderly presented the mother with her baby. I stood and watched as, placing his other hand upon her shoulder, he encouraged her to hold her child, to touch it. I stood and watched as her expressionless face changed, as she emerged from that dark silent place within herself and hesitantly reached out with a finger to stroke the tiny head, to gaze into those blue, blue eyes and to finally place her child in her own hand. I saw her eyes lift from the baby to the eyes of it's father who had been, until that moment, a mere shadow.

I thought about that baby as I walked this morning. I thought about the way losses affect us- even losses of things which are not yet real- losses of things which are a hope and a promise.

That baby changed the trajectory of my life. I will never forget him or her. Those blue eyes are as vivid in my mind today as they were all those years ago. I wonder sometimes who else remembers that little one. Certainly the parents. I wonder how their lives were different and what affect that hope, that promise and that loss had on their lives and the lives surrounding them.

I thank God for the compassion I witnessed on that day.

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writing groups

2010-04-21T04:25:00.000-07:00

Our hospice team is forming a writing group

Nurses, doc, social workers, chaplains, home health aides,bereavement co ordinators- all disciplines are welcome to participate

We plan to meet monthly for 6 months, and then evaluate. So far there are 7 people signed up.

This is not something we are taking lightly- years of thought, months of research and proposal writing

I am in a writing group in my personal life- it is very supportive and very informal. We "go with the flow" so to speak- depending on what project each of us has in the works

I'm wondering- for all you wonderful writers out there- if you have any thoughts about structured writing groups?

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The Real World

2010-04-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

I have returned from my exploration into solitude- and dutifully recorded on facebook that I am regretfully back to "the real world".... but I'm wondering a bit what the "REAL WORLD" really is.

I am back to the schedules and the chores. Back to the worry and the stress of work and the humdrum of dishes and laundry. My mind, however, somehow seems to have remained in the mountains of Maryland and W Va.

I ran away from home last Sunday- taking only a suitcase and a very large dog. Not even a book. I drove for 4 1/2 hours before I realized that I had never even turned on the radio. I arrived exhausted at the Holiday Inn in Martinsburg W Va and fell into bed- only to be awakened by a phone call at 7a. The desk clerk was politely inquiring if I might be missing my car keys- as they had been noted sticking out of the trunk of my car. Do you think I was a little tired?

Two full days lay ahead of me- with absolutely nothing planned. The hardest task I had before me was to turn off my brain-and that proved to be a difficult assignment. I also wanted to find the headquarters for the Appalachian Trail, which is located in Harper's Ferry W Va.

I set off to find Harper's Ferry, with no map or directions, just the vague notion that it was somewhere south of Martinsburg. While this may seem faulty logic to most- it gave me the most relaxing drive, through the most beautiful countryside. Surrounded by mountains, driving on twisting roads... ahhhhh......

Eventually I decided I needed a map- so I meandered my way back toward I 81, intending to stop at the visitor's center. Thank God for ADD. I became distracted by a sign pointing toward the Civil War battlefield Antiem- so I followed the signs and landed there. There are spots in the world where I am sure that you can still feel what took place there. I once stepped through the gates of the concentration camp Auschwitz and felt the coldness overtake me. There was a similar feeling here. Not as dramatic, but present. We wandered across the battlefield, just me and my dog- looking at the mountains and imaging what it must have been like for the young men facing each other in battle on that day, for those same young men to gather their dead and bury them later.

A map showed the location of Harper's Ferry to the south, so we wandered country road, surrounded by those beautiful beautiful mountains until we found the charming town. Towns are not particularly dog friendly- so we had no recourse but to retreat to the National Park and walk on some trails. ahhhhhhhhhh Perfection.

It was not until the next day that I actually located the Appalachian Trail headquarters. The wonderful volunteer Judy (trail name Judo) had through hiked the trail herself- and was a wealth of information and stories.

We completed our day with a walk by the Potomac - a long nap- and room service- and returned to our guys a happy woman and a happy dog

so, here I am a week later- wondering. What is the "real world" anyway? Is it the daily grind of work and chores? doubtful The daily intimacies of family and friends? Much more likely Are those folks who are even now shouldering backpacks and taking another step in their 2000t mile journey experiencing more of what the world really is? Could be..

Maybe the real world is just where we allow our minds to dwell- what we fix our thoughts and our hearts on, no matter where we are?

In any case- it was good to go and it is good to be home

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running away from home

2010-04-08T02:22:00.000-07:00

I'm running away from home.

Literally.

The last time I did such a thing was when I was 7 years old. I packed my bag with cereal and a cookie and bravely walked 1/2 block to the "hideout" - a little stand of pine trees- where I sulked all day and then returned, tired but triumphant.

I'm not packing much more this time. A change or 3 of clothes. Maybe! a book. Not much else- except some dog food and water.

I'm taking my best buddy Emma- a golden retriever. An old golden retriever. We are climining in the car on Sunday sans computer and returning on Wednesday.

We are heading for the tip of W Virginia- to be part of the mountains, to catch a glimpse of the Shenadohah and to just be.

to just be...

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peace

2010-03-31T19:13:00.000-07:00

If I should die before I wake..... I would die a happy, content woman....

It has been such a lovely day. We left this afternoon to go to my favorite "thin place"- my grandfather's farm- where time seems to have stood still. It is the same road, the same trees, the same beautiful huge rocks where we used to play as children. The outbuildings are the same- and when I step into the barn I can almost hear my grandfather's voice.

Dan and I took a lovely looong walk, following a trail down into the woods, seeing wild turkey and hearing.... NOTHING.... I think that is one reason I love the place so. The silence there is palpable. On a summer day, you can hear a bee that is buzzing. Deep in the words, you can hear the distant sound of a tractor chugging down the road. The only drawback to the walk was when we turned around and realized what goes down must go up..and up.... and so up we went. One step in front of the other.

The farm is a beautiful place, but that, I'm sure, is not the reason I love it so. I love it because it was there that I was first loved. Completely. Unconditionally. Totally accepted for whatever I might be. There is nothing like a grandparent, and when I turn on that road, I can feel their love surround me.

We stopped to visit with a favorite cousin- and a favorite aunt and uncle. I love those simple conversations, where past, present and future all intertwine.

As we talked, I realized that a year ago on this date, my husband had been lying in the hospital, pale, wan and hairless. We were dealing with infections, cardiac arrhythmias and facing months of chemotherapy. A year later, we spend the day hiking. Truly, God is good.

Our day was made complete by a holy week service tonight comprised of only candlelight, music, scripture, prayer and silence. There is a peace in my heart and my head that has been eluding me for months.

I am wishing for each of you that you find peace in the midst of this hectic week. That there is a time or a place where you can stop what you are doing and be still. That you can take a moment to connect to the One who made you and who loves you just as your are- completely, outrageously and unconditionally

Have a blessed Easter

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moments in time

2010-03-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

It's a perfect day for washing windows. And for opening those same windows and letting the sweet smell of spring breeze through the nooks and crannies. It's a perfect day for sweeping the porch and for watching the people go by. On a day like this, one remembers the sight of freshly washed laundry hanging on a line, and the scents of good home cooking when the kitchen door is opened. On a day like this, boys come home hungry.

I wonder if life really boils down to all the little moments and how we choose to spend them?

I think of 2 women I met- both through the hospice program. Both facing trials and tribulations. One told me, speaking of the last 50 plus years of marriage "I wouldn't have missed a moment" Her face was serene, her eyes had a warm glow. The other sat in her chair, wrapped tightly within herself, making faces at her husband each time his back was turned. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. It might have been comical.... if it were not so sad...

What are your favorite moments?

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Guess who has an A in english

2010-03-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

A text message any mother would be happy to receive... and I got it!

an A in english.... from my son.... who ever would have thunk it? So many memories roll to the surface- such a feeling of- all in that one little phrase

This is the kid who loved to be read to
- but couldn't learn his alphabet
This is the kid with whom I played hours of "games" each night of grade school
-but still couldn't pass a spelling test
This is the kid who hit 6th grade, still not able to read
-but no one could tell me why
"Such a nice boy" "he's very smart" "now mom.... he'll be ok" but no help
This is the child with whom I sat at countless tables, in countless meetings with an array of teachers staring at us. What an intimidating, overwhelming, stinking horrible experience- for both of us.

Vision therapy was the first ray of hope. I'll never forget the sight of my 10 y/o sitting in the big examing chair struggling to read a book that was below his grade level. Petite and passionate Dr Grant was explaining to me that "sometimes these kids will say that the words get bigger and then get smaller" - her fingers opening and closing as an example. The child engulfed in the chair- engulfed in the sea of frustration- engulfed in expectations and demands and drowning in it all... looked up, wide eyed and asked "do you mean they're not supposed to do that?"

Dr Grant and wonderful Janet tossed out the life preserver. Some wonderful tutors helped pull him (us) in. Middle school, high school for 2 years, then to the vocational school... and finally to college. and to a text message.....

guess who has an A in english?!

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"I'm a survivor"

2010-03-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough, I am glad to see the rain...

It seems to match my mood this morning- torrents pouring down, washing away the winter, making everything new...

It's been a rough couple weeks in the world of hospice. Some people just wrap themselves around your heart- and their stuggle mirrors your own.

so, I'm going to make another cup of tea- sit on the porch and watch the rain.

Tonight we are going to a benefit for people who have cancer. Tonight, at the conclusion of the benefit, my husband Dan will get to rise to his feet with others and proclaim "I'm a survivor"

It's amazing how many thoughts and emotions hover just beneath the surface. It's amazing how the act of writing can distill and clarify those thoughts.

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thank you for blogging

2010-03-03T03:49:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Technology kicked my butt yesterday and I fought with computers in one way or another from 9am (work) until 9pm (my son's homework that would not print)

I came to this computer weary, ready to rant and rave - just a good vent to relieve my stress, and somehow get through today

Thank God for ADD- you have all been spared my ranting...

I became distracted by a blog about forgiveness and grace. Then another from a mom of 5 children with severe disabilites who approaches her life with such grace and humor that I laughed until I cried.

So thank you to all bloggers...... This world can be a mighty tough place. Sharing our humanity certainly seems to lighten the load

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wondering about writing

2010-02-27T03:52:00.000-08:00

I'm spending alot of time these days wondering what the process of writing does in our day to day. Because I am a hospice nurse, I wonder especially if writing helps to bring us through grief and loss differently.

I followed the poignant musings of Karen (karen....following the whispers) as she cared for her mother in law during her final illness. In (confessions of a writing mama), there was a burst- a sudden outpouring- expressing grief for the loss of her mother quite some years ago. I'm reading a book by Paul Stutzman (Hiking Through) in which he describes his journey across the Appalachian Trail - accompanied by his constant companion -grief- and how the trail brought peace and healing into his life.

I heard Paul speak the other night, and asked when he decided to write the book. He knew, he said, before he set foot on the trail that he would be writing about it, so journaled along the way. I wonder if he would have had the same experience if writing had not kept him so mindful.

The very act of writing makes us mindful. Gillie Bolton (author of several wonderful books about writing and writing workshops) reminds us that writing tells us "things we didn't know we knew"

I suspect that those who write are healthier for it. I know that I am different when I write.

What do you think?

and btw- I am also wondering how to link to someone elses blog when I mention it here. Everyone else seems to be able to have those lovely blue letters appear!

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HIPPA

2010-02-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

I stopped at the pharmacy today to pick up my husbands prescription

I handed the pharmacy tech a check for $2552.72 (yes- you read that correctly) She handed me the medication. I asked for a receit. "I'm sorry, I can't give you a receit" she responded. "It would be" (are you ready for this?) "a violation of HIPPA"

She went on to explain to sweetly explain to me that my Husband was welcome to drive to the pharmacy- and they could give Him a receit for the medication that I had just paid for and was holding in my hand. To give me said receit apparently would be a violation of his privacy.

The pharmacist, apparently in agreement, assured me that the receit could be mailed to my husband. Wow, what a relief.

I get the intent of HIPPA... but given this experience, I'm wondering if 5000 pages of government gobblygock, to be interpreted by people severely lacking in common sense will solve anything for our health care system.

Just a thought...

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White out

2010-02-15T17:06:00.000-08:00

I was waaaaaaaay out in the country when the snow started to fall.. Out in "the boundocks"
On a road that really isn't a road... certainly no yellow lines or markers, and lots of curves.

It was coming down fast and furious, and I wish I had a picture to show you- but I was to busy hanging on with both hands. Just look at the whiteness of the page- you will see just what I saw.

To make matters worse, I knew that my oldest son was also on the road- traveling back to school from a doctor's appointment

In a way though, that made my situation better. I knew that the only option I had was to pray for Alex- nothing else I could do for him. And in praying for him, I found peace for myself. The words of a favorite Casting Crowns song began to echo through my head... "I will praise you in the storm" I found myself saying thank you- for all the storms You have brought me through.

The more I remembered to praise, the more I felt my shoulders loosen. I came, eventually to a road slightly traveled, and there I saw tracks in the snow. It seemed easy now- all I had to do was follow the trail left by those who had gone before me. By the time I hit the road going past a popular lake resort, I was able to appreciate the mist above the waters.

And so - here we are- all snug and warm. I confess, I took to my bed for a few minutes after arriving home. Even "praising in the storm" can leave one exhausted. Alex made it safely back to school also, and for that I am very grateful.

Hoping that each of you is snug and warm inside. Stay safe this week.

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Snowy Days

2010-02-10T16:40:00.000-08:00

There is no silence quite as perfect as the silence of a forest on a snowy day.

I have a memory of a perfect day- a day that I spent quite alone- just myself and my horse, walking into the woods on a day such as this one. Although it was a trail that we frequented, nothing seemed familar. It was as if we had entered another land.

I let the reins hang. My feet, encased in heavey boots barely fit in the stirrups. There were no sounds, save for the muffled crunching of hooves. No birds sang. No water rippled in the nearby creeks.

We turned this way and that, more by habit than design. She stopped abruptly and turned her head as if to ask permission. I realized that we were at the top of a trail that I imagined was known only to us and to the deer. It went straight down for some hundred yards, then stopped in a grove of pine trees. Although I knew it was foolhardy, I tapped her lightly and we moved off, she slipping and sliding, me hanging on for dear life.

In the end- it was worth the ride. The snow heavily blanketed the pines, the creek, frozen solid, twinkled in the light, and the silence was palpable.

It remains in my memory, a golden moment. Totally alone, totally at peace, enthralled with the fairy world around me.

I think of that time whenever the snow blankets the earth. I pull the memory out and savor it.

Peace on earth.

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winter days

2010-02-08T04:07:00.000-08:00

A perfect winter weekend

Saturday morning, I resolved that Nothing would make me leave this house. The only resolution I have managed to keep. It was a peaceful day, just the four of us rattling around.

Mid afternoon, I discovered a big box of crayolas- you know the box- the one with Every color you could possibly want. I retreated to my office, shut the door and sat, simply coloring, for an hour or so. My last coloring adventure was probably 45 years ago. I must say- it was relaxing, entertaining and revealing. My mind, left to wander on it's own, communicated a few things to my fingers.

Sunday we returned to "normal" - although I did maintain my stand enough to watch church on-line (www.newpointe.org) instead of braving the winter weather. Once I was drawn out in the afternoon and evening for a trip to the Y and the superbowl, I realized I was glad to be out and about in the snow.

My mind, returns however, to that little oasis Saturday afternoon. When was the last time you picked up a box of crayolas and let your fingers do the talking?

For some reason, I didn't put the crayons away. Like any 5 year old, I left them where they lay- waiting to call me back to play.... some day.

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if only

2010-02-04T04:03:00.000-08:00

"I never should have left" "I wanted to be there" "If only" "If only"

It seems that I've heard hundreds of stories beginning this way. Because of the work I do as a hospice nurse, people frequently recount stories of loss. So many walk around with regret, wishing that they had been present, holding the hand, at the moment their loved one passed from this life to the next.

It is a heavy burden to bear, this baggage of regret.

There is something I have come to believe in my decade or so of hospice practice, and I try to share it with all my families:

I believe that people have some ability to choose- even at death's door- and I believe that some people choose to wait until they are alone to pass. I have witnessed this over and over. I have heard countless stories from my co-workers. Stories of families who sat vigil- wating, waiting- but the passing did not happen until they were exhausted or starving and left the room 'only for a moment'

Sometimes, watching, I think that is just to hard for someone to leave while the people they love are right there.

Some burdens are just to difficult to carry. If you are walking around toting a bag of regrets for things done or not done, just put it down. No one who loved you would want you to carry them.

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Caring Bridge

2010-01-31T04:56:00.000-08:00

Anniversaries. A year ago on this date my husband was lying in a hospital bed. We had just been told that he has leukemia and he was being transferred to Cleveland Clinic.

It's a funny thing about these types of anniversaries. It is almost as if your body has a built in signal. My wedding anniversary I might forget- but on this weekend- one year later- my membranes recall the fear.

I won't go on and on here- I have to get my family up and out the door to church, Dan included. He continues his treatment, is doing well and we are very thankful.

Let me just say 2 things. 1) Looking back- it was a year in which we were blessed over and over and over I still cannot believe the way we were loved and cared for. 2) If you find yourself in any similar circumstances- consider www.caringbridge.org (for us www.caringbridge.org/visit/danconkle )

Finding a way to stay connected, to feel the prayers got us through this last year. Remember - caringbridge.org

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facebook

2010-01-27T16:33:00.000-08:00

May I say that I just love Facebook.
My boys roll their eyes... "MOM....on facebook?" but they don't seem to mind that their "friends" are my "friends" also...

I stopped in for a quick peek tonight and learned that my BFF from high school will be coming home from Germany for a visit to her parents- bringing her lovely daughter and 3 grandsons (she was Much older than I)

and that my nephew and his beautiful wife had spent the day snowboarding in Truckee (Calf). They started (she said) with their heads in the clouds and ended each run in a circle of sunshine.
What a great image- and how wonderful to have a glimpse of their lives. I lifted this picture from their facebook page- the view from their deck (hope they don't mind :) )

Apparently you can teach an old dog new tricks.... and facebook makes me feel like a pup again

Are you a facebook fan? Check it out!

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prayers

2010-01-23T18:48:00.000-08:00

He inhabits the praise of His people (Psalm 22:3)

I was so blessed this week by an elderly gentleman who took my hand and said "I pray for you Sally, I pray for you every day" I barely know this man. Faced with his own trials and tribulations- it humbles me beyond words to know that he stops and prays.... for me....

I have been thinking about it ever since- wondering what prompts us to pray...... and wondering what the effects of those prayers really are. Something changes when we pray.

So much is happening in the world around us- so much seems out of our control. Yet every where I look, I see people trying to reach out- trying to help other people.

There are ladies who knit or crochet the prayer shawls like the one pictured above. As their fingers form the patterns, they pray for the person who will receive them. They don't know what the need will be.... they simply trust that their Father will know.
Wrapped warmly in the shawl, it almost seems that you can feel the prayers that formed it.

Say a prayer for someone tonight..... something changes when you do.

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Sara's Smile

2010-01-17T05:08:00.000-08:00

These are Sara's hats.

Sara was my grandmother- and I was named for her.

The Sara I remember jammed one of these hats on to her head every Sunday or for every special occasion. Her lips were drawn in a straight line- I'm not sure that I ever remember a smile crossing Sara's face. She lived in impovrished Harrison County- once beautiful by all accounts, but stripped of it's coal, it was a barren wasteland when I visited there during my childhood. Although my mother was raised on the family farm, by the time I knew Sara, she lived in a dark little house in a little town.

She could answer every Jeopardy question-like a machine. She taught Latin and any other subject that might be required. By all accounts, she worked hard, going back to teaching during the war because there was a shortage of teachers, continuing her household duties, fed every
hobo that knocked on her back door. My cousin remembers Sara substituting as a teacher in his classroom and rapping him sharply across the knuckles with a ruler.

My mom remembers a Sara who laughed- a lot. My mom remembers that she was funny, that she joked often with her husband George, who was by all accounts a hardworking "horse-trader"- never without a story or a helping hand. She remembers that Sara loved to dress up.

She played basketball in her youth- oh how cool those uniforms were, and was the first female in her family to attend college.

She was a writer. I know this because we have stacks of compositions, on yellow paper, written in a careful hand, excellent penmanship. They are interesting- full of details and insights. They stop after her college years.

We learned, long after she was gone from us that she had a first love who died tragically while they were engaged. My aunt knew of this, though my mother did not. We found this picture not to long ago- in an album full of black pages, carefully labeled with white ink.

While my eyes still see a certain resemblance to the wicked witch of the west- I love the smile on her face.

I wonder when she lost that smile? Perhaps after my grandfather died? Perhaps life just got difficult and began to overwhelm her? Perhaps when the dementia that defined her later years began to creep in ?

I have been wondering about Sara lately.

She left a legacy - a family of hardworking individuals, who all seem to remember to laugh frequently. I feel badly that she lost her smile. I wonder if she ever remembered the swish of a basketball? I wonder if she remembered the self who loved easily and laughed often. I wonder if she remembered pouring her soul out onto a piece of paper? I wonder what she might have done to stay connected to that part of herself.

The world seems to be a difficult place lately. Let's not forget the things that make us smile.

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writing

2010-01-15T04:01:00.000-08:00

Just read Jody Hedlund's excellent post "What is keeping you from writing?"

Have been loving reading blogs about writing- I find that these writers/authors keep me thinking- teach me something every day.

Here is the thing I find about writing: it changes how I live my life. It gives me something to be absorbed in, something that is not dependent upon others, something that makes me sit up and pay attention- and something that allows me to privately withdraw to my own little world, even in the midst of a crowd.

There was alot of discussion in our writing group this week about goal setting- what do we want to accomplish in 2010 (-doesn't 2010 have a nice ring to it?)
There was a fair amount of discouragement among us... things not falling into place as rapidly as one might have hoped.

Jody helps me realize- again- that the process must be as important as the "product". There is something about getting in the button chair (butt in the chair) that is honored. Doing our part must allow God to do His...

One of my fascinations with the world of hospice is noticing when those who have lived well. It try to carry their lessons with me. Writing, I believe, helps me do that.

Does writing change the way you live your life?

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Lovely, dark and deep

2010-01-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

The woods are lovely.. dark and deep... but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep...

Loosely quoted- I hope I'm close- but those were the words that rang through my head as I forced myself to leave the woods.

It was almost dusk when the dogs and I finally arrived last night- and as soon as we arrived I regretted that we had not come out earlier. Once there, with the trees standing out against a backround of white- I felt that I never wanted to leave- wished that I could walk forever in the silence. So beautiful... so still....

So many things in our lives push at us. So many things pull us away from our center.
I am grateful for the moments that I find in my life for silence. Somehow- those moments expand in my memory- giving my mind a place to go back to.

Is there a place where you find rest?

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snow

2010-01-07T22:04:00.001-08:00

I had a hard time leaving today- each and every home that I visited.

Hospice caregivers are my heros. They give up huge pieces of their lives, simply lay them aside, to care for the folks that they love. They offer dignity, peace, respect and reassurance. They give those people the greatest gift by allowing them to remain in their own homes, surrounded by their own things and with the people they love.

They take on this task with trepidation. They take it on with fear. They take it on with faith. They take it on with love, and time after time, I watch people rise to the occasion and get through things they never would have thought they could do.

Today the snow was falling, and it is predicted that much more will come. Although I checked every medication, although I tried to prepare them for every event that might come, although I left written instructions and reminded them that we are just a phone call away.....still, I sit here in the middle of the night and pray.

I've done this job for more than a decade now, and I Know that things work out. I know that people do rise to the occasion and time after time I have seen that the people who are needed show up at just the right time.

Still, as I left each house, I prayed for protection and for peace. I imagine that no matter what else we do, those prayers are the best thing that we have to offer.

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I'm going to the YMCA (sing along.... )

2010-01-05T01:58:00.000-08:00

Up early this morning to be at the Y by 5:30am. I've been doing this since November- so it doesn't have the feel of a resolution- more of a routine..

Love getting up early in the morning, when no one else is stirring and the world is peaceful and still. The snow outside is beautiful- the dogs have been loving having the whole world to themselves to frolic and sniff. The youngster refuses to come in- she is the spoiled child of the family. I watch from the warmth of the house as she pushes snow with her nose and dives at imaginary prey.

Started the morning with a book of Psalms. Now that is something I hope to have the discipline to do everyday. It sets my mind.

I've noticed something at the Y, watching the weight lifters. Don't laugh- my favorite machine just happens to face their space. Anyway- I have noticed that these incredibly buff individuals spend a heck of a lot of time.... resting. I never knew. They lift, they huff, they puff, and then they..... rest. They take time to what? recover? prepare? I don't know, but I've been thinking about that as I go about my day. See a patient- give myself a little time to "rest" Put on music while driving, stop my mind from whirling long enough to get quiet. It's helped my days. I hope it will help yours.

I'm off...

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communion

2010-01-01T11:00:00.001-08:00

We attended silent communion last night.

Of all New Year's tradition- this is my favorite.
There is just something about it that seems to set things right.

We enter our church and sit quietly. Others are sitting in pews, but there is no music, no talking, no laughter. Sitting in the pew, you can be as alone with God as you chose to be.
It is a time for reflection, for confession, for thanksgiving, for petition. It is a time that always, in some way seems to set the tone for the year ahead.

When we left the church, I chose to walk home. Lately I have been learning a great deal about the benefit of solitude- even in the midst of a crowd. I was so glad I choose to have a few quiet moments, just myself and the darkness. The cold air on my face. The muffled footsteps. The big dark sky, the moon peeking from behind clouds.

The lights in my window felt like a beacon, welcoming me home.

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Happy New Year

2009-12-31T14:31:00.001-08:00

I have never been so glad to see the year's end!
So long 2009- we are glad to see you go!

Still, my husband is in the kitchen - upright and cooking!
My kids are in the next room- playing a board game!

and I have blogged my way through 2009- embraced and held by old friends....
and glad for the pieces of life that each of you share in your blogs
Blogging certainly kept me going through this last year

So looking forward to 2010 and all that it holds

Wishing each of you a blessed and happy New Year

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Today

2009-12-29T10:39:00.000-08:00

I stopped in a park to chart today. Snug in my car- eyes focused on the computer screen and ears attuned to the soaring voice of Susan Boyle (wow) I barely noticed my white, frozen surroundings.

Banshee screams pierced the air, and my eyes flew automatically to the lake in front of me- instantly fearful that a child had fallen through the ice. Nothing- and my eyes returned to the screen.
Screams again pierced the air and this time I swiveled my head to see 6 wild indians, dressed in various hues of purple and blue careening wildly down the hill to my left. This time, I let my attention wander from the screen in front of me to watch. What a great time they were having. Up they went and down again. Sleds escaped them and they laughed and ran following. Soon they were finding ways to enliven the experience, riding on their knees, their bellies, making ramps and flying though the air. When one fell, another ran calling "are you OK?????"

Now diverted, I paused to notice the scene around me. Pine trees- lined, like soldiers at attention across the frozen lake. Bare branches silhouetted against a blue/grey sky. I finally noticed the cold seeping abound my feet and the sparkling of the ice on the parking lot.

It was hard to leave that place, to pull out and proceed on with my day. Warmly sheltered in the home of one of my favorite patients a few minutes later, I couldn't resist telling him about the children at play. It was like opening a treasure chest, and I listened as memories poured forth of his own childhood in the hills of Pennsylvania.

It was hard to pull myself away from there also.... some days I just love doing what I do.

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Christmas gifts

2009-12-26T18:33:00.000-08:00

Good times, good friends, great family

And so another Christmas season draws to a close.

We had a rather quiet Christmas, subdued I suppose. Not many gifts- but oh, how much meaning the gifts had. Framed photos. Books. A table made years ago by my dad, freshly varnished and put back together by his grandson. The two never met- it's nice to see something that connects them.

We were forced into simplicity last year. This year we embraced it. It's nice to feel Christmas draw to a close without feeling drained and overwhelmed.

I have loved reading some of the blog posts tonight. Moments where bloggers felt the presence of a living God. Moments of quiet reflection. Moments of appreciation for family and friends.

I'm sitting here wondering... what were some of the best gifts you received this year?

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cinnamon rolls- not

2009-12-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

Yeast is not my friend.

My Christmas morning cinnamon rolls are a lifeless lump of dough, with no intention of rising for the occasion.

It is my own fault I suppose. Each year of my mis-spent youth I went to my aunt's home in the summer. There I was supposed to work on my 4-H projects and learn the intricacies of baking and sewing. We developed the perfect plan- or at least it seemed so at the time. While I went merrily off to the hay field to toss bales and drive the tractor, she stayed in the house baking my rolls and sewing my skirts. Seemed like a win/win. I got a blue ribbon every year- but I am paying the price for my tomfoolery now.

ah well, cinnamon rolls or not... Christmas will come...

Wishing each of you a blessed holiday, filled with the peace that this season can bring.

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blogland

2009-12-18T04:15:00.000-08:00

I wonder why we cram so much into the Christmas season?
Concerts and parties. Tours of Homes and Madrigal Feasts.
Cards and decorations.

So many people seem so overwhelmed. I would have loved to tour some homes- but I would love it just as much- and most likely more, in JANUARY... when there is nothing else to do.

It seems to go by so quickly and then woooosh- it's all gone and we wait for spring.

I've picked up on one new thing this season that will get me through the duldrums of February- Tamika's challenge to 12 days of community in blogging. I've had a bunch of fun, late in the evening, by the light of the tree- following links to other blogs. Author, Jody Hedlund and Journaling Woman to name two.

This is one Christmas pasttime that is going to see me well into the New Year- actually makes me look forward to those short February days.

Hope all in blogging land are finding peace in this holiday season. Put your feet up and browse awhile.

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Random thoughts

2009-12-16T03:53:00.000-08:00

We put our tree lights on a "clapper" Anyone looking in my window this morning would have thought that a witch lives here... I dance around the tree three times, clapping my hands, and suddenly- lights

The tree has fallen 3 times this year- twice before any decorations, once after. My kids heard me come in singing last night... "it's the most wonderful time of the year" then Oh My Goodness... and then, a pathetic clapping.... at least it had lights while lying on the ground..
The tree is now firmly tied to the wall

Dogs barking turn the tree off and on..

I love to get up early in the morning, light the tree and sit quietly in the darkened room, sipping tea, staring at the lights. I have to get up pretty early to do this- but it is worth it. It is a very peaceful way to start the day

These holidays require peaceful beginnings. It is very easy to lose your perspective in the midst of all the holiday "cheer"

It seemed that all the hospice families I visited yesterday were managing to balance their pain and illness with joy and rememberance. A wife was baking cookies. Soft Christmas music played in the backround. There was some type of decoration in each home- even if it was just a small tree. People seem to find a way to remember, to celebrate, to honor... even in the midst of illness and grief

Here's hoping that your season is peaceful and bright

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timeless

2009-12-12T19:01:00.001-08:00

This church sits on a hill in the midst of the farm originally owned by my great grandfather. My grandfather was born, and died, in a house just down the road. The original barns and much of the land can be seen from the vantage point of this simple church.

We went there tonight for a service, scripture reading and carols.

Tim leads this service. His musicality is amazing- it is as if he and the piano are one instrument.

I love sitting in the pews, knowing that my father, my grandparents and my great grandparents all sat in this space, singing the same songs- praising the same Jesus..

They rang the bell in the midst of the service. As the sound peeled over the valley, Tim got a tear in his eye. "There is just something about that bell" he said.

I agree... there is something about that bell- something about that place... something timeless.

Something lasting.

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A Year

2009-12-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

It's my anniversary! One year of blogging!

I am filled with gratitude... for all that we have been through this year, for all that God has brought us through... I am grateful for all the blessings - all the people who carried us- through this last year...

Our hospice pastor often prays that we might be God's hands.... I surely understand that sentiment in ways that I never could have before. We have been the recipient of those hands- we have been richly blessed.

Blogging has brought clarity and focus to this year- and for that, I am also grateful... I wasn't so sure about the idea when I was nudged toward it a year ago. I am grateful for that nudging-for the focus and sanity it brought. Grateful for my faithful "followers".

As we head toward 2010- and hopefully smooth sailing..... I look forward to participating more in the blogging community. There are fascinating people sharing snippets of their lives....

Tamika, at The Write Worship blog, suggests that we spend "12 days of community" -visiting and commenting on other blogs. It seems a perfect suggestion for such a blustery weekend.

I remember clearly that a year ago, I was looking for some fun. Now, I believe, I am seeking joy. Quite a bit of difference in those 3 letter words.

I am looking forward to blogging along the way. Here's to finding joy in 2010. Thanks for joining me.

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Piglet or Pooh?

2009-12-09T14:13:00.000-08:00

I read the post of Shelli at "Market My Words" yesterday and laughed til I cried.... so much of what she was saying made me remember my own days of toddlers and preschoolers... Wow- it seems like that was a long time ago- a golden time. Days when I was greeted as I walked in the door with the excited shouts "mommy's home"

I must have had her post on my mind as I drove home with the wind pushing my car off the road. All I could think was "it must be the wind you know".... Now - who said that???? Pooh? or Piglet?

I remember other blustery days, curled up with Candy Land and Barney- PJs with feet and hot chocolate.

Walked in the door tonight to be greeted by teenagers. "Whatz up" "Yeah" My arrival barely raises an eyebrow these days. Still, as I settle here to catch up on the blogging world, they wind their way in and out. Kisses on the head. Half hugs. Snippets of their day. Laughter echoing from the next room- accompanied oddly enough by the song of Sponge Bob Square Pants...
Guess we're not that far from toddlerhood after all.

It was a long, cold, stressful drive home. Those memories wrapped themselves around me and warmed me.
Wishing each of you a cozy night- warmed by the ones you love...

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Dec. 7

2009-12-07T17:53:00.000-08:00

The sun shone weakly today- while snowflakes fell lightly. Christmas music played in the homes that I visited, while old men faced bravely the end of their days. Pearl Harbor happened on this day- when those same men were young and strong. Virile and brave. Full of themselves, I'm sure, as only the young can be...
I watched today as grown women were reduced to children when faced with the prospect of losing their father. Although I saw an old man, lying in a hospital bed, they viewed him through the same eyes that saw him as their hero. In their eyes, he will always be young and strong- always their dad...
Pictures grace the walls, children with their parents becoming parents with their children..
turn....
turn....
turn.....

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You Rock

2009-12-04T04:21:00.000-08:00

In the midst of thinking about thanksgiving turkeys and pumpkin pies- I was issued a challenge

It came from the mouth of a 15 y/o and went something like this "YOU, play guitar hero? Huh!"

It was on.

Before I could catch my breath and realize what I'd done, another 15 y/o was walking in the door, carrying an array of plastic guitars and microphones. Microphones?

An hour later I heard the sweetest words I'd heard since someone announced "it's a boy"
I heard "your mom rocks"

who, me?

I often wonder, as I drive from home to home, what makes a "life well lived"?
I think.... that much of it is found in the moments like this one...

You may not find me blogging for awhile.... I have, over the last week, gone from beginner to easy and last night- to medium..... I'm pushing hard for expert- so I'll catch ya later...

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What time do you dream?

2009-11-28T07:20:00.001-08:00

6am
That is when my dreams start. And that is the time that I normally get up to face the day. No wonder my life often feels out of synch.

I woke this morning at my usual time- and made a deliberate decision. I am not getting out of this bed until I am ready. What bliss. Why don't I do that more often?

I had the best dreams- vivid and in color. I don't know why the baby turned into a puppy and floated down the stream, but I do know that when it freed itself just before the rapids, it was the cuddliest creature that ever was.

I wonder what we miss when we are conforming ourselves to the expectations of this world- out of step with our bodies natural flow? I know that if I had the opportunity to live with my own clock, I would be up half the night reading and writing- and sleeping until the sun was midway cross the sky.

And I wonder- at this midpoint of my life- if there are opportunities to live differently - to choose differently. I believe I will try.....

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gratitude

2009-11-26T06:49:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving morning - and no smell of turkey wafts through our house. The house is quiet and still-
I want to take a moment to process this...
It makes me stop and think of all the families I have seen in the last few months who are facing the holidays without those that they love. It makes me wonder about empty chairs and empty faces- it makes me stop and say a prayer for those who have lost the ones they love, or are facing Thanksgiving- knowing that it will be their very last one together.
I had alot of those conversations this week- people bravely assembling their families, trying to carry on traditions, wondering what the best thing to do is- how to celebrate life and thankfulness in the midst of death and tragedy....

I spoke with a lovely woman yesterday who had lost her beloved mate last week. "I keep trying to be thankful for all the years we had together, and what a wonderful husband he was" and then her voice broke and the line was silent for a long moment.

I know that these people will go on.... and it is my prayer that the experience they had in hospice will have allowed them to say what they needed to say- have had the time they needed to say good bye without regrets. I hope that their experience will help in their healing- that they will find their way to gratitude and thankfulness a bit sooner than they might have without the hospice experience.

I know that they will find their way- brave folks every one of them. I know that they will honor the life that they lost, that they will remember and that on Thanksgivings in the years to come they will celebrate.

I know that we -in this family- have much to be thankful for this year. After a year filled with chemo and angst, we are still strong. We will gather today at my brother's home- where the smell of turkey will fill the rooms.... We will return here together, stuffed ourselves- and I hope that we will remember to be grateful- to celebrate.

It is my hope that each of you has much to be thankful for this year. That there are memories to sustain you and goals to look forward to in the coming year. That whatever your circumstances, on this day, you will find your way to thanksgiving. Gratitude, it is said, changes everything..

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today

2009-11-19T03:30:00.001-08:00

I'm having a difficult time facing the idea of working today. There must be a better way to make a living! Any ideas?
My day off yesterday included a few golden hours spent with my writer's group, a bit of house keeping that made me feel domestic, an evening with my favorite guys and a drive long enough to spend some time just contemplating life.
Wonder why every day cannot be like that?
I got up this morning to type industriously, trying to spin out 50000 words before nanowrimo ends, in just -can it really be?- 12 short days. I'll never make the deadline, but I don't care. At the moment my mind is in the woods- wondering what that hidden circle might mean. I'm going to have a hard time pulling myself back to reality.
But alarms are sounding upstairs, the day has begun and it must be faced.
hope "ya'll" have a good one..

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respite

2009-11-14T19:04:00.001-08:00

Just came home from a concert
My "date" cancelled at the last minute- so I went alone
In a way, it was almost better...
Sitting quietly, eyes closed, letting my mind follow where the music led
A bit of respite in an overloaded week

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goodbye

2009-11-11T07:38:00.000-08:00

someone I loved has died this week
i loved his family too
and though they are not mine to mourn
my soul demands it's due

I met them not to long ago
in circumstances dire
to help them and to serve
we walked together through fire

by the time the flame was spent
and the time had come to part
as we gathered round the embers
I knew they had my heart

I'll see them once again for sure
standing in a line
Hoping all the while
that they will be just fine

After that my prayers will be
all that I have
It is the best that I can give
and for my soul, a salve

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Remember to Live

2009-11-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

We spent last week at the beautiful Lake Lure in North Carolina.

We had no cell phone reception- thus no texts or emails. Rather refreshing.

We did stumble upon some computers midweek- and there was an email reminding me of this phrase..... Memento Vivere- Remember to Live....

Perfect timing...

It reminded me to take deep breaths, to walk around the lake rather than running to the shops. To stop and inhale the fresh mountain air. To appreciate a leisurely lunch lakeside. To stop. To remember. To appreciate, to be grateful......

It is a message that I hope I carry with me as I return to work this week. Even though your days together may be few... Memento Vivere... Remember to Live...

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R.I.P

2009-10-31T17:58:00.000-07:00

Oct. 31, 1910
Andrew Berndt died Saturday afternoon. Funeral today - 2p at his home.

I sit in my parlor this All Hallow's Eve, wondering about the deceased Mr Berndt. We have nothing in common- except this home that he built.

We found his obituary while rooting through old records in the Tuscarawas County library- wondering about the person who built this home in 1875. It is quite descriptive. Andrew, age 88, apparently decided to visit the county fair, determined to shake hands with the govenor- thereby contracting pneumonia which led to his death.
He was married in Germany. After arriving in this country, he traveled from Cleveland to Dover on the canal boat- settling here to establish his harness shop.

He is described as one of Dover's most estimable residents, having retired to manage his farm. Always interested in politics, he was a great reader of high class literature.

We stumbled into Andrew's home quite by accident. Coming home from church on a chilly day 41/2 years ago- we spotted the open house sign and wondered what that old house might look like inside. Following a whim, we drove back to town that afternoon just to see.
I remember quite distinctly the feeling I had 2 steps across the threshold. I felt as if I had come home.

It is not a place I would ever have pictured myself living- yet I have never been sorry that we made the move.

From the description- Andrew is someone I would have liked- alot. I meander about his house now, often with my nose in a book, sometimes bumping into walls or furniture as I try to turn a page. I leave here and drive to the edge of town, to brush my favorite horse.

Andrew and I seem to have a bit in common- and that makes me smile.
Rest in peace Andrew...

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nanowrimo

2009-10-27T18:03:00.000-07:00

I had no idea!
nanowrimo
Sounds like a martian invasion....

Instead nanowrimo turns out to stand for National Novel Writing Month. Who knew that the month of November would generate such a collective creativity. I am a nanowrimo virgin.

Encouraged by fellow bloggers- especially one of my favorites- Monda at the fabulous "No Telling" blog, I took the plunge. I signed up and dove in.

Who knew that I would so quickly become consumed? I lie awake at night, thinking of a character that I hope to channel in my dreams. I wake in the morning to snatch a bit of reading about plot planning and character development. Find a problem- create a struggle...

Such uncharted territory. Such a relief from the harsh realities I see every day.

This week I hope to meet with some other nanowrimo newbies.

It is quite likely that no one else will ever read our words.... It is also quite likely that we will have ourselves a bit of fun.
Just 4 days to go- let the games begin....

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Lady and God

2009-10-23T02:53:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting day yesterday with this little Lady

She belongs to my good friend, Becki... and her name is.... Lady

Becki kindly offered me some equine therapy in the spring, when everything seemed dark and closing in. It did me a world of good to leave behind chemo and hickman catheters, and simply brush a horse for awhile.

Each time I arrived, she would come running to meet me, eager for some brushng and her apple. I was told she did not like to be tied- indeed had broken a board in the fence, so we worked on that a bit. I occasionally would lead her - just to get a feel for the horse. On one of those first occasions, I led her in a circle, set her up to look pretty and stepped in front of her. When I stepped toward her- up in the air she went. I've never been in that position before- it was somewhat like a movie- horse rearing over my head. I've been quite cautious with Lady ever since. I might not know much- but I do know that a horse without 4 feet on the ground is a dangerous thing.

We went along without incident until last weekend. I was there with my son, simply wanting to brush and fuss. I led Lady away from the gate, and without warning- those back feet were flying in the air. Thank God noone was behind her.

I've been talking to my friend Sandy about Lady. Sandy is fascinated by horses and their behavior. For years she has been training her own and helping others with their problem children. Sandy came with me to the barn yesterday.

The first 15 minutes were fine. She began teaching me to "ask" the horse to lower her head. Simply put a tiny bit of pressure on the lead and the Moment the horse Gives at all- RELEASE. The release is the reward. You must be quick with it.

That was all well and good. We stood and talked for a few minutes, then started to lead Lady toward the fence. Apparently Lady had enough- because up in the air she went. Stand back.

Then began the most fascinating demonstration I have ever seen. Sandy never lost her calmness or coolness. She got the long training whip from the barn- and without ever touching her- simply began moving the horse. When Lady came toward her, Sandy raised the whip and let out a "yah" Lady ran to the far side of the field. Sandy followed at a determined walk. Lady ran back, Sandy followed. The horse was perfectly free to run, but within 15 minutes or so, it became obvious that Sandy was directing the horse which way to go.

An Hour or more of this followed, and at the end of the hour- the horse was standing- without any type of lead or restraint and facing Sandy no matter what direction she turned. When the horse turned to face Sandy, Sandy would often turn her back and walk off a few feet. The horse turned to face her again. Any time the horses attention was off of Sandy- Sandy simply raised the whip. Lady would start to run off again, but she wasn't running far now- just a few feet- then turning back to face Sandy.

I followed them back and forth across the field- safe on my side of the fence. As I watched the last half hour or so, with Lady turning to watch Sandy- to keep her eyes always on Sandy- without restraint- totally able to leave any time she wanted- it seemed clear to me that this must be a picture of what God does with us. He lets us run, wild and free. When we are in trouble, when our behavior is such that it is going to cause a problem- does he perhaps simply say- keep running- I'm just going to walk behind you and patiently guide you?

Is God's goal for us the same as Sandy's was for Lady? Sandy was patient, determined, and intent. She would not stop until she was standing with Lady's eyes fixed on her. She did not restrain, she did not beat the horse..... she simply kept her moving until she was tired of running.

As Lady stood, eyes fixed on Sandy.... Sandy would approach her and rub her face- or brush her a bit. We're ok, that gesture seemed to say. I'm in your corner- I want what is best for you. Just keep your eyes on me.

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my mom

2009-10-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

" I am so glad to see you, I brought this for you" and a virtual stranger shoved this picture into my hand... The event was a party to mark the 50th anniversary of my aunt and uncle.

In 1960, a little girl accompanied her expecting mother to substitute a fourth grade class. The little girl, so enthralled by the wind that plays with her skirt, is of course, moi. And the beaming lady....that's my mom.

This picture had been lovingly cherished for all these years

"The happiest days of my life" my mom pronounced upon seeing the snapshot. Her face beamed, and the stories began to pour forth. I've heard them all before, of course, a hundred times, but every once in a while, it's fun to hear them again... to watch her face soften and change and a lilt come into her voice that is not often heard.

Life got difficult for my mom after those days. This baby was born with severe birth defects and died without her laying eyes on him. The third child, longed for and loved, none the less brought a certain amount of anxiety after that experience. And then, pregnant with son number 3, she lost my dad- the love of her life. Nothing- nothing- was ever the same after that.

My mom is made of steel however. "I'm tough" is her favorite expression... and she is. She raised us all to be successful adults. She never let us forget what was expected of us. She worked hard to provide for us, and to keep a happy home. We always knew that we were her first priority.

A second marriage brought a new life, a little less frantic, a little more stable. Brother Steve joined the family and life established a new normal.

Through it all- through it all- my mom endured...

I like to remember my mom as I am seeing our hospice familes. I sat today with a family who found their way to laughter and to rememberance. It was good to see- good to hear. I know that they will go through their own trials- that time is coming soon, of that there is no doubt. It is good for me, as I sit with them, to remember my mom. To remember her strength, her determination, her stories, her laughter and her tears. I know this hospice family will find the same strength my own mother did.

Today is my mom's birthday. It seems a good time to thank her for who she is and what she has been in our lives. Thanks mom. Happy birthday, and many more.

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Saturday

2009-10-18T04:11:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me recently what my idea of a perfect day might be...

yesterday might have come close....

Got up early for some reading/writing time- then went back to bed. I would say that constitutes a favorite thing.

Around 9:30, I decided to drive out into the country and see an old house. It's been on my list of things to do for a while..... I off handily asked my oldest son if he wanted to come with - and to my surprise he jumped at the chance. We had a great drive- way out in the country- poked around the empty house to our heart's content (yes, we had permission- :) ) and drove home passing Atwood Lake.
The day was beautiful, though chilly. The colors were magnificent. And the conversation...... priceless. I got to hear the hopes and dreams, the trials and tribulations, the laughs and the heartaches

By the time we returned, the other teens were awake- having rolled from their beds at the crack of noon. We got them fed- top priority- and of all things, they decided that the pumpkins needed carving. The gutting alone was hilarious- they felt the need for gloves and begged for help- but we showed no mercy. The carving speaks for itself. I learned later that one of the friends has never carved a pumpkin before.
Once the pumpkins were done, I decided I wanted to visit my favorite horse. Son #2 agreed to come- so we had a great hour or so. He's been with me a few times before, hanging back a bit, just watching. Yesterday he grabbed a brush, climbed the fence and we brushed and talked to our hearts content.

Rounded out the day with a quick trip to the library with Dan (the hubby) and then! wonder of wonder- miracle of miracles! we decided to go to the Y. I had to circle the equipment for quite a while- til I saw something with pedals and recognized it as an exercise bike. From that vantage point, I could observe the rest of the room, and actually figured out how to bend, twist and sweat- a little. I found a treadmill- also familar... and then, just before leaving was talked into something elliptical.... I think? In any case- it felt good.

I gave a big lecture to the wife of one of our patient's earlier this week. She is about my age. I told her to move herself up on the list- to take care of herself, to get out some. I told her everyone else would be fine- actually better, if she took care of herself a little.

I've given this lecture before- think it's # 51 ..... but this time, I must have believed it a little for myself.

Think we all had a good day yesterday...

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change in the atmosphere

2009-10-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

Zooming along a windy country road yesterday, just before twilight, I barely noticed the tan and white bundle of fur lying on the yellow line in the center of the road. I might not have registered the road kill at all if it had not raised it's little head and looked at me just as I passed by.

For a moment I tried to convince myself that it must have been an optical illusion- my tired eyes playing tricks in the waning light. For a few more moments, I tried to convince myself that this was not my problem, that I had more important things to do than worry about a half dead dog in the middle of a busy road. But somehow, in that moment of passing, my eyes had met the eyes of the dog. I inhaled deeply as I signaled for a left turn, and let out a long sigh as I reversed onto the busy road. In the midst of shifting into drive, I noticed a car ahead of me making a quick U turn.

Safe! I thought- and pulled over for a moment to let his car go ahead of mine. Sure enough- as I reached the top of the hill, I saw a young man pull over and leap from his car. He efficiently stopped traffic both ways- grabbed a jacket from his trunk and ran to the side of the injured animal. A young woman was there ahead of him, and together they swaddled the injured puppy and placed it in her back seat. A few words, the exchange of a glance between them and traffic moved on. Passing the site once again a few seconds later- it was if nothing had ever happened.

Driving home,I let my mind wander back over the day. I had spent most of the afternoon in an unpretenious home with ordinary folks. Not the kind of people who would ever merit a second glance if passed on the street.

The conversation wound around- from death, to life and back again. Memories began to surface... Before I left, I was given the priviledge of reading some poetry that an ordinary man had written years before to his ordinary wife. The language was so beautiful that my eyes welled with tears.

It made me wonder, as I drove in the twilight. Does the atmosphere change in places where acts of kindness and love occur? Is there a shift in the universe? Noone would ever know that on that country road, two strangers met for a moment to save and protect a helpless creature. No one would guess that in an ordinary home such emotions spilled over and flowed onto a piece of paper.

My guess is that someone - somewhere- notices..... and smiles.

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we worry

2009-10-11T19:40:00.000-07:00

A week of blood sugars between 350 -400 brought my eldest son home early this week. Looking sallow, peuky ( is that a word?) generally just plain ugh...

I am proud of him though... he has handled it, he did the best he could all week, and knew when he was over his head and it was time to call uncle

Diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at age 9- this is familar ground, yet we worry....

He scheduled a visit with his endocrinologist- made the trip there himself, had some adjustments made and was told he is doing a "good job"

The last statement was probably the most significant for him. It is amazing how these kids base their self worth, and subsequently their compliance on whether or not the adults in their lives think they are doing a "good job" It is fascinating to see and hear how they rebell against the very things that save and enhance their lives... It is amazing how quickly perfectionism rears it's ugly head... convincing them that they will never be good enough....

They do the things we all do.... in one way or another.... yet for them, the outcome of their life and physical health hangs in a delicate balance.

He's back at school tonight. Last week was rough.

I'm grateful for the advances science has made that enable him to have some illusion of control. I'm more grateful for the adults who have come along beside him- for one in particular, Dr Sam Wentworth of Indianna. Without him, I don't believe we would be where we are today. I'm grateful for the on line community I have found.

One day at a time.... one day at a time.....

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Warmth

2009-10-10T05:21:00.000-07:00

Oh baby, it's cold out there. There is a distinct chill in the air, the leaves are starting to change. I feel old man winter pushing his way in.

I woke up this morning feeling as if there were frost on my pillow. It took a while, but I finally convinced my foot to leave the covers, then the rest of me had to follow. I stumbled my way down the stairs, heading for caffeine and heat. Passing the thermostat, I flipped the switch to on, and heard the rumbling begin in the basement as I pressed start on the microwave. Now I'm snuggled under a blankie, feeling the house warm my outsides and my tea warm my insides.

I remember waking on cold, cold mornings in my grandparent's farmhouse. There really was frost on the windows on those morning. I was never sure what woke me- if it was the feeling of my body convulsing with shivers or the sound of my grandpa stirring in the room across the hall. I would lay as still as I could, trying not to shake the bed, knowing that I would soon hear his feet stomping down the stairs. Slam- the back kitchen door. Bang- the trap door on the porch that led to the basement. Next came the sound of the shovel hitting the coal and the rattle of the coal hitting the furnace. The distinctive smell came next. How I loved that smell, for it announced the arrival of blessed warmth. I was asleep again within minutes, warm, toasty and safe. Grandpa made his way from there out to the barn to milk and feed.

I wonder how many times he performed that same ritual. He came in from the barn one morning in his eighth decade, curled up beside the register to soak in some of that warmth, fell asleep and never woke. He departed from this earth in the same house that welcomed his birth.

I stopped at calling hours last night for a lovely 94 year old from our church.. I have never seen this woman without a smile and a kind word. She volunteered faithfully at the hospital- yes, even this year. One day this week, she got her hair done, made a pot of soup and went out to rake leaves and clean up the yard. When she came in, she sat down in her chair, fell asleep and woke in heaven.

It seems to me that these are the folks who keep the world on it's axis. The people who live their lives simply, who watch out for their friends and neighbors, who are always quick to lend a kind word or a helping hand. We don't think much about them, but they surely leave a void when they are gone.

I know that there are plenty of those people around me. People that are living their lives simply and well. I think I'll aim to pay a little more attention, to appreciate them a little more while we have them. The world can be a cold and lonely place- here's to those who warm it everyday.

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be still

2009-10-07T03:50:00.000-07:00

I've been tempted to worry since yesterday afternoon
Tempted to fret
Tempted to stew
Tempted to what if myself into anxiety
To think ahead, to make a plan

This all involves a person who may or may not go home from the hospital today who I may or may not see

Each time a thought crept to the corners of my mind last night, I made myself think"you have grace for the day"

Today will take care of itself- if I let it....

I got up this morning and got very quiet Over and over I meditated on the words 'be still" "Be Still and know that I am God"

What I was left with was this:
"And I pray, that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the power, together with the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" Ephesians 3:18

Many days I feel so buffeted by what awaits me. I am grateful for the quiet solitude of the mornings.

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Margin and Metaphors

2009-10-03T13:19:00.001-07:00

My husband's leukemia has done one positive thing in our lives- it has created some margin.

Margin- a term I had heard before and aspired to, but never seemed to be able to achieve.

Margin- defined loosely as some space

So much has changed in our lives- so much has shifted. I'm trying to be very careful about how much I let back into those spaces. With a little space in our lives we are finding that we have some time for some of those things that never seemed to happen before- like running to the county library together this morning and researching the history of this old house. Like going out to dinner with our son before homecoming. Who would think they would want a couple of Parents tagging along- but they do, and we are.

Margin- time to appreciate each other a little more.

We are in a small group that is currently studying the book "One Month to LIve" I'm not sure I'm buying the premise- I don't see that many people who are told they have one month to live and begin experiencing a wonderous sense of freedom- but the concept is good. What would you do if you were told you had one month to live?

We are challenged in this study to find a metaphor for our lives.

I've been pondering this and one memory keeps surfacing

In 1994 my appalosa mare (Princess) gave birth to a beautiful filly, who we named Tango. That was all well and good- except that I had absolutely no idea how to train the young lady.

Three years later, Jill unexpectedly entered my life. Jill had trained dressage horses and graciously agreed to give Tango and I some much needed help.

Jill visited us weekly- and we improved slowly- from my being able to get onto Tango's back to circling and figure 8s. Tango learned alot- but I learned more- how to sit lightly, to communicate with my legs, how to be one with the horse.

On one particularly lovely summer evening, Jill instructed me to put down the reins, keep my legs off the horse and to cue her to move off in a straight line across our front field. About half way across the field, Jill instucted me to turn my head (and my head only) to the left and see what happened. To my utter astonishment, I felt Tango veer slightly to the left. A little while later we repeated the exercise and I turned my head to the right. Immediately I felt Tango angle slightly toward the right.

We repeated this enough for me to be sure it was no accident.

The horse and I were one....

I remember putting the horse away that night- still astounded- and writing a prayer to God. This, I said, is what our relationship to be. Please, let me be close enough to you that when you look to the right, I go in that direction...

If there is a metaphor for my life- I would like for that to be it...

I'm not sure it's possible - but I do know that to come close- I will need to keep my margins.

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Last rose of summer

2009-09-29T13:41:00.001-07:00

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build. A time to mourn and a time to dance....
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

turn, turn, turn....

Funny, isn't it- how everything hangs onto life. And how the last rose of summer is often the most beautiful rose of summer..

Seems that the roses won't give up- won't let go. There certainly are people who won't either. They hang on long after it seems that they should have faded and blown away.

I wonder what holds us here- keeps us hanging on? I wonder what keeps us from moving on?

We know that the rose will bloom again - come spring.

I'm sure that we will too....

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treasure the moments

2009-09-26T08:55:00.001-07:00

It seems essential to be intentional....

I was reminded this week of how quickly things can slip away from us- moments that could be treasured can be lost forever...

I heard a story this week of a relationship that had been fractured- seemingly beyond repair almost 3 decades ago. This week, in that relationship, there was forgiveness and reconciliation. Four days later one of the parties died...

I won't tell the story- it's not mine to share. While in some respects- there was a "happy ending" there was also an absolute waste of time and the repercussions of that fractured relationship have affected many many other lives....

I hope that it reminds me though of how precious our families and our relationships are. I hope that it reminds me to take moments -like this one with my son and treasure them. Not to waste a moment....

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boys2men

2009-09-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

Day 3 since the boy has left for college.... it seems he is already becoming a man. I think perhaps I have talked to him more in the last 3 days than I have talked to him all summer- and the majority of those conversations have been as refreshing as a spring day after a hard storm.

A myriad of details have confronted him- getting up on time, being at the right place at the right time, new roommate and new friends. He seems to be handling all this with ease.... finding his way from place to place, participating in discussions, choosing activities, cooking his own food, and if he is to be believed, doing his own dishes!

He is planning his life, dreaming his dreams, and my prayer for him is that he soars. That he bcomes all that he can be, that he enjoys the ride, that he finds those that he can love with his whole heart (and it's a big one ) and those who will love him in return in full measure.

I love my boy... and I'm proud of him. I believe I'll tell him so...

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oh great mystery of life.....

2009-09-23T19:51:00.000-07:00

Went back to the office this afternoon to do paperwork and ended up staying long after I should have been home- curled up in a comfy chair watching boring reruns under the guise of relaxing from a hard day's work...

I stayed, not because I was overworked (and underpaid- although I am both ) but because 3-4 of us started one of those conversations that make me remember why I work for hospice and I just couldn't seem to pull myself away...

It seems like a very long time since we've had some great conversations.... sharing stories- pondering the mystery of life, death and the beyond... We wondered why some people seem to wait, why some people cannot forgive or change even with the great beyond staring them in the face, how some can wrap up loose end and pass peacefully from this earth. We shared stories in which people dreamed of the death at the moment it happened, stories of breaths of air on people's face that let them know that their loved one, miles away, had departed. We considered sources of pain that have little to do with the physical and pondered the power of holding a hand and sitting quietly to bring peace and comfort.

I would love to understand how much is in our control and how much is beyond our control....

There are people in my life who stimulate my thinking, enlarge my horizons, keep me laughing, let me weep. There are people who stand by me, who let me fall, who pick me back up, dust me off and let me laugh at myself w/o distain.

Here's to those people in my life.... God bless you.... you know who you are... Here's to years and years ahead filled with laughter and tears, celebrations and sorrows, new vistas, new joys, new children and becoming childlike. Here's to taking one day at a time- realizing God's grace is present for today Here's to exploring the mysterys, pondering and wondering together. I am so very grateful....

Here's to coming to the end of life without regrets.... controlling what we can, celebrating what we cannot, totally able to die that way in which we have lived..... and I pray that we can live full out...

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good morning mom

2009-09-19T04:21:00.000-07:00

After 18 years of grueling work, I have finally perfected my technique. It is the perfect combination of alarm clocks and gentle parental proddings that result in a happy child leaving the house with a cheery "pip pip" "top of the morning to you" ..... a quick hug, a kiss to the top of my head and he is off out the door. No more yelling. No more threatening. FINALLY success.

He leaves for college tomorrow...

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A beautiful day....

2009-09-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

Stopped in the park to finish "paperwork" on the way home

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... and yes, I just took off my sweater. Just call me
Mrs. Rogers....

Teens boys are stretching their legs and strutting their stuff..... they have just taken off on long, strong legs. Co-incidently, a few teeenage girls have suddenly decided that is the direction they want to go.

Two 9 or 10 year old boys have been appearing and reappearing at my picnic table for awhile now. I feel them peering over my shoulder, and when I turn, they ask me a question or tell me a thought. Always starting with "hey" They don't seem to want much, just to chat. The swings are creaking and kids are climbing on the jungle gym.

The bikers are out. An elderly couple just strolled by.

Even the traffic seems to saunter.

It's a good day to soak it in..... the sun... and the sights.... and the sounds

Here in this park it feels that all is right with the world

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beauty from ashes

2009-09-15T02:56:00.000-07:00

I met a woman this week who took her grief and made something beautiful from it. Hours and hours were spent, sanding wood- fitting the pieces together. "It saved me" she said, as we stood and looked. None of the wood was new- and none of it matched- but sanded and carefully woven together - all the pieces fit together to form a pattern that is unique as it is beautiful. The wood was not strained - so that all the grains showed clearly- creating a wonderful pattern. I wondered, as I looked, how many of her tears had fallen to be mixed with the sawdust and swept away. I admired- and she acknowledged - with a hint of remaining pain reflected in her eyes- "yes, it is beautiful"

I sat with a friend yesterday who is writing- and speaking- and taking the horrific experience she has been through and using it to give others a message of forgiveness and reconsilliation.

We laugh as we talk- and we weep...

In the presence of woman like this- there is strength and there is hope.

I wonder what it is that makes some people take this road, while others languish for years in unresolved grief and bitterness?

I have heard the reference to the wounded healer- the concept that the places where you are broken becomes the place of your strength.

I am awed and grateful to be in the presence of thesse wounded healers- to sit at their feet...

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lessons

2009-09-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

Just trying to find some space in a very busy week

Haven't had much time for blogging- or even thinking about blogging.

Did receive an interesting CD from a friend this week. She heard Wm P Young (the author of "The Shack") speak and sent the CD from that session on to me. Yes- if you live anywhere close to me I'll be passing it on!

I've listened to it a couple times now- finding it absolutely fascinating.... He speaks of living just in the moment- looking for the places God is blessing and joining Him there- of the absolute importance of walking- not running- in the direction that you feel you are being led.

I think it is the last point that I have been pondering on the most. So many times, if I sense God moving in a particular direction, I am tempted to run ahead- to push.... Grace, he says, is given each day- for today. Stay connected. Be willing to stop and wait. Be willing to stop....

He says that when he learned to live in the present- without the imaginings of what the future might hold- he found JOY... and it came to stay...

I'll be listening to it again tomorrow while driving.... and I hope that what he says sinks in deep....

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fireworks

2009-09-07T16:54:00.000-07:00

Guess it's official-

The end of another summer.

Fireworks always seem to evoke memories-

sitting on the damp grass as a child, fingers in both ears

and eyes scrunched tight...

Cuddling my own boys, with my hands over their ears- listening

to assorted oohs and ahhs- watching their faces more than the fireworks.

My favorite fireworks are at Blossum - where we can sit on the lawn,

sipping wine- letting the sounds of Tshaikovsky's 1812 Overture wash through us while the lights explode in the sky.... The church bells chime, the cannons boom- Napoleon is pushed back and we experience it all over again...

Hope if we've learned anything this past year- it is to appreciate and treasure these moments

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Road Trip

2009-09-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

My first born, Alex, is on his first Road Trip. He left with another guy this morning to visit his friend Zack at OU.

He dutifully sent a text about 2 hours later. "here"

Fifteen minutes later came another text (from Zack-they know how to work me) "can they stay?"

I wasn't surprised- I have been 18 myself, you know. I made them sweat it out for an hour or so before finally replying "k" (I know the lingo) followed by a brief reprisal of my lecture #31, just for show.

They are good kids- but still a mom worries....

I sat down here today to order Alex's books for school- but so far I have just gazed out the window, checked the blogging world.. and here I am....

I realized - somewhat to my surprise, that though I am indeed a bit concerned..... mostly I'm just.... Jealous....

Member what it was like to be 18 and Free! for the first time? Member what it was like to have a highway in front of you and the parents behind? The skies are blue, the air is crisp- it's a great day for a new adventure...

Soon Alex will leave for college. My youngest is in high school. My days of intense parenting are waning. No grandbabies for awhile, please...

Think it's a good day to plan some adventures of my own. I read somewhere recently that although you cannot change the facts of your childhood- there is only one person responsible for your second childhood....

Have I said that before? Doesn't matter really... I'm to busy thinking about road trips to care.

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listen

2009-09-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

The word filtered down the pike today.... DIFFICULT family....
pissed off you might say

I heard it first on report driving to work, and I prayed a very intense prayer that this particular family would be on anybody else's schedule...

I told the Lord I just couldn't do it- I'd do anything else - bargaining
I immediately assumed that I just was not good enough- that this family would require someone with far more skill- denial
I got to work and discovered the name written neatly- right under mine- anger
I told my co-workers that I would happily do anything else- and we are back to - bargaining..

I milked it as long as I could.

Then I sucked it up and went....

I eased my way in the door, I smiled, I greeted, I settled in a comfy chair and used my favorite opening line "Tell me........" I said. And boy did I hear, the words spilled out.

The thing is- about 5 minutes in, my attitude completely changed. When I started LISTENING to all the things this woman had on her plate- my attitude changed. I could not believe all the things she was trying to handle- all the plates she had balanced in the air. It all came out in a huge rush..... concern for her mom and frustration with the hospital experience, sure- but beyond that she had a husband with problems, teenagers (enough said?), in-laws, a business.... and on it went....

Once it was finally out, once she had finally spent herself- the rest was fairly easy. The patinet's care was fairly straightforward, her needs relatively simple.

I left there feeling humbled..... reminded that we are fellow sojouners.... that there is much we do not understand.....

I left there feeling grateful- for her difficulties certainly trumped my own....

I left there feeling thankful.....

I left there with acceptance- and a huge hug....

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changes

2009-09-03T03:05:00.000-07:00

More changes in my life...

Little ones really...

For years, I have attended a bible study most Wednesday mornings, then went to a doc's office to teach people how to use their insulin pumps.

Both things that I like to do very much.

This week, my schedule at my "real" job abruptly changed- no Wednesdays off. And yet another boss quit at the company I do the pump trainings for.

These, admittedly, are little things. Not big- like my son leaving for college in a couple weeks- or like the things we have been through in the past few months.

Still..... I was so looking forward to resuming a feeling of "normal" Guess that is an illusion anyway.

Have you ever seen a cutting horse competition? Fascinating. The horse is set on one cow, and no matter what direction the cow goes- the horse is there to cut it off and head it in a particular direction. The horses are phenomenal. Push button.

I had the great pleasure and the great challenge of riding one for a few months. Beau. Big, beautiful, black horse. You had only to sit on his back (and stay seated!) and he would do the work. The slightest touch of a leg against his side was a signal to him. He stopped on a dime. I know that, because there were times that he stopped and I didn't. You get the picture!

Anyway- it sortof feels like that in my life now. Like no matter what direction I turn, Someone is nudging me in a new direction. I keep trying to get back to where we were before the leukemia hit.... but it seems like that is not to be.

It seems that illustration leaves me as the cow!

Months ago, I used the words "a new normal" I guess that is where we are heading. I have the feeling it's going to be good..... better than where we were before.

At the end of a cutting horse competition, the cow trots off zestily and a huge cheer goes up from the crowd

I guess this is not a bad place to be.....

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A Dog's Life

2009-08-31T15:05:00.001-07:00

These 2 (dirty) dogs had a great day yesterday..

A run in the woods....

Later a visit to Atwood Lake - where they got to sniff to their hearts content

and a walk in the evening to round off the day...

It is just to beautiful to be inside.

They were asleep when I left this morning- and napping when I came home this evening.

Some days- it would be great to be a dog!

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school supplies

2009-08-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a room surrounded by school supplies.... the requisite paper and pencils...
notebooks and planers...... paper clips and rubber bands....

pillows, blankets, towels

personal hygiene items

plate, fork and spoon (do you think they will ever be washed?)

Seems a long time ago that we started the quest for school supplies in August. From the beginning, it was an experience filled with excitement -ohhs and ahhs - and mom, I Gotta haves

I've never seen anyone swoon over mechanical pencils as my soon does every year. Every year the same.... they come home and are out of the bag before the evening is over- No matter how many times I exhort him to keep everything together- before I can even turn my back they are spread across the room, to be admired, held, fingered and ....... lost...... before the school year begins.....

We were looking for his $100plus calculator today.... turns out he loaned it to some girl named Candy. Candy who and where does she live? " Don't know mom, chill, I texted her and she said she'd mail it back..... " I'm not holding my breath here...

After all the struggles he has had- I am amazed at his excitement each year.... he's an overcomer, this kid of mine...... not one to let the struggles of the past get him down, but one to look forward to new challenges and new things to overcome....

somehow, I think he's going to be ok.... if he can find his pencil..

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Ted Kennedy

2009-08-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Listened with interest to the wake last night for Senator Kennedy, and to the funeral today.

I loved hearing the laughter and rememberances mixed with the sorrow and loss.

It was good to hear many share how much the last 14 months meant- good to hear that they were able to share stories and memories, make new memories- to say good-bye and to honor what he had been in each of their lives.

One thing struck me as the battle over health care wages on....

Ted Kennedy was passionate that all should receive "health care as a right - not a priviledge"
One great equalizer is end of life.
Whatever decisions were made about his treatment at end of life, it seems apparent their focus was that he should live well in his remaining months..... that the focus was family, friends, love, laughter and his work.
Those choices are available to all of us- whatever our economic rung. I have seen it over and over with our hospice families- no matter what their "status"
People who choose hospice seem to be making a very conscious decision that they are choosing to live well in their remaining time.

I hope that as our senate returns to it's work that they will remember and choose to honor the choices that were made in the final days of their lost compatriot.

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An Other World

2009-08-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

"I see an other world"

I thought about those words as I drove through the country side today. The clouds hung heavy in a blue sky. Round bales of hay dotted the green hills The air was fragrant. Flowers merrily decorated country homes. Horses and cows grazed. Fall is in the air- a perfect day.

I heard those words years ago, from the lips of a frail, elderly woman who clutched my hand tightly. The blue eyes captured mine.

I asked the obvious question- what do you see?

"I tell Jim (her husband- deceased for some years) that they are here. My mother, my sisters. Every time I close my eyes, I see them. When I open my eyes- they are gone"

A common experience, I've found, of the dying- no matter what their faith backround.

It comforted me, as it always does, to think that someone meets us- to think that we do not walk that path alone.

I shared that thought aloud- think how much they must love you- to come meet you and take you home.

The blue eyes softened, the grip relaxed. She considered this idea- maybe she wasn't crazy after all...

We sat for a bit, hands linked, silently contemplating our own stories.

"What's it like", I wondered aloud "that other world"

Smiling now, she answered me drowsily "it's alot like this one"

On a day like today- I hope that she was right.

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rainy mornings

2009-08-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

There is something so soothing about a rainy morning - especially if one has a little time to enjoy the quiet.
Sitting on my closed in porch, paper unopened beside me- watching the world wake up..... Seeing the raindrops play in the puddles, hearing the gentle downpour, the occasional slush of a car going by.
Never seems as if there are enough of these times-- just to enjoy what is.
So often caught up in a frentic rush to be somewhere else- my mind in the future- or in the past...
Today is Dan's 48th birthday. A huge bucket of tomoatoes sit on the table, waiting to become his favorite pasta toss.
School will start this week, and our lives will shift again.
Think I'll start the sauce before I head to church....
Seems like a good day to savor..... the rich scents and the noisy sounds.
Seems like a good day....

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Here's Your Sign....

2009-08-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

This just gave me a chuckle....

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reinventing

2009-08-20T22:57:00.000-07:00

"There's a tea party in Zoar. Do you want to go?" My mother's voice, shrill and excited. "Sure" I answered.

Honest to Goodness- I was thinking pretty cups and saucers, maybe a cucumber sandwich. Nancy was thinking about Sweeping the Nation. Driving out the Democrats. My mother, the activist? Who knew?

There's a word that keeps surfacing lately. REINVENT- as in reinvent yourself! I seem to see it everywhere I go. It's probably just my frame of mind- like when you are pregnant and see expectant mother's everywhere.

I can't get away, however, from the notion that everything in my life has changed. Obviously not external- cause I'm sitting in the same seat of the same house with the same people asleep upstairs. Still, it is apparent that a lot of the surface things that were important a year ago have slipped away. I can't get away from the thought that this is a transition time.

I have a song in my head that has been playing over and over:

When the music fades - And all is stripped away - And I simply come - Longing just to bring - Something that's of worth - That will bless Your heart - I'll bring you more than a song For a song in itself - Is not what you have required - You search much deeper within - Through the ways things appear - You're looking into my heart

[Chorus]
I'm coming back to the heart of worship - And its all about You - All about You, Jesus - I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it -When its all about You - Its all about You

King of endless worth No one could express How much You deserve -Though I'm weak and poor All I have is Yours- Every single breath -I'll bring you more than a song- For a song in itself Is not what you have required- You search much deeper within -Through the ways things appear -You're looking into my heart
[Chorus]
(Heart of Worship- Sonic Flood)

I don't know what I'll do about the tea party. I'm still trying to figure out when my mother turned into an activist.
What does seem obvious is that the "reinventing" I do today will determine what I will be when I am my mother's age.

I've spent a lot of time wondering about what makes a life well lived.

It seems important to look deep within....

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2am

2009-08-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

Another teenager just entered my house.... very very quietly, but still... a mother knows. At least I hope a mother knows! I hope my radar is fine tuned..... I hope I'm not missing any warning signs of impending doom....

He's a nice kid- he's here alot....I've spotted my house key on his ring..... leaving for college in 10 days, he tells me.... and I feel like one of my own is going off into the world...... He's 18, I know- but how can his mother not know where he is? Is she lying awake - worrying?

My own brood is home- one asleep in anticipation of an early golf game- one home from working his afternoon shift..... Come Sept 20 one will leave- and my house will be very very quiet.... I try not to think about that...

Had an interesting conversation with some folks recently- lovely lovely family. The children there are all adults and leading lives of their own, gathered once again under their father's roof..... waiting, waiting for him to die....

They love him so much- he has obviously raised them well. They are book people- my favorite kind- but they have read it all. The conversation today centered on their fears - he still talks about getting better..... he hasn't said the word DIE Why is it he can't get to that place?????? What if What if....

We had a long talk.... dad's body is going to do what it is going to do, no matter what. Dad may not do things according to their script..... ultimately... it will all work out the way it is supposed to...

The long talk distilled and wove it's way around to this: (mixed metaphors) What will be will be. The goal here is for dad to be comfortable and to enjoy each day as much as possible. We don't know what the day will bring- we need to just relax, sink into it and appreciate it for what it is...it is precious time....

sometime, in the near future, they will be looking back on this brief period as a halcyon time.....
(and as my boys leave - so will I)

I wonder, as I often do, if it is possible to actually live like that......every day...... to be so sunk in, so surrendered, that one can just live without trying so hard.....without the endless struggles to control....

Wonder if one could live as if they were floating..... completely relaxed, on top of the water, knowing what is under them has the potential to be dangerous, but secure enough to rest,,,

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(wo) man was in the forest

2009-08-17T03:57:00.001-07:00

Had a great weekend....

some time in the woods.....

some time with the family....

hate to see Monday come, but here it is....

so here we go.....

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nonsense

2009-08-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

A funny thing
this urge to write
It keeps me up
half the night

So many thoughts
inside my head
I wish I could
just stay in bed

Once they are out
I feel so free
I'd like to have
a cup of tea*

I have to live
with the rest
Still I know
that nights are best

*pee would be such a better rhyme....
cept I hear my mom's voice all the time

don't say that word
it's just not done
mom - lighten up
and have some fun!

OK- I've obviously stayed up way to late!

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prayers

2009-08-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

wonder what it is that binds us together?
wonder what there is that we cannot see, touch, taste or smell- but can certainly feel...
there is power there..... often untapped...

A friend of my husbands was diagnosed with breast cancer- stage 4... metastasis to liver and bone.... The facebook community is awash in shock and disbelief tonight-

Shock waves bouncing from one to another...

wonder what happens when that.... that what.... that feeling..... that spirit.... that anguish.... that love.... that caring..... that heartcry..... wonder what happens when that is mobolized.... when those cries join together to become one voice-

what is it that changes?

There is no doubt that prayer changes things... that sounds trite- like a poster or a bumper sticker....

but we certainly have experienced it first hand.... surrounded, blanketed, held...

There seems to be a difference when we pray collectively...

prayers tonight for this young woman.... and for others....

there is a peace that passes all understanding..... tonight I pray that for her and her family...

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transition time.....

2009-08-08T19:42:00.001-07:00

People who are dying often talk about traveling- it seems to be a common theme.. They might start talking about going home- or it might be more subtle- talk of airplanes or boats, wondering where the suitcase it or when the flight is scheduled.

A common theme for the very big transition they are making.....

It feels like a transition time in my life. The last 6 months have changed us- changed our priorities.

I am grateful beyond words for those who have stuck with us....

It amazes me to look around and see how different our lives really are.... Seems like so many losses at the same time- loss of job, loss of friends, loss of routines. Our boys are getting ready to fly- perched on the edge of new adventures- high school for one, college for the other. It will certainly be quieter here in a few short weeks...

I though about these things as I walked tonight. This road is a favorite- it makes me want to climb and to follow. I love the river as it makes it's way- sometimes slow and lazy, sometimes fast and furious. Always moving, always changing, yet ever the same. I thought about others who had walked it's banks....indians, those on the tow path, settlers, tourists.... All intent on living their lives...

It seems to me to be a time to settle in, to think, to contemplate. It feels as if this could be a huge transition in the way I live my life.

I have been pushing hard these last years, in so many areas of my life. I wonder how it would feel.... wonder how it would work, to slow down...... to work from the center..... to be connected and live from that connection....?

What did Robert Frost say? Two roads diverged in a yellow wood....... took the one least traveled... and that- That- has made all the difference....

seems to be a time when it is important to decide which road to travel....

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2009-08-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

Camp Bethany

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Bethany

2009-08-05T08:49:00.001-07:00

Returned from spending a few days being camp nurse at Camp Bethany
Wish I could have stayed the entire week, but my heart was at home with my guys and I was glad to get back..

Just a couple thoughts that have been wandering through my head:

1) It seems to me that if the world were functioning in the way God intended it to function- if we were all working from a deeper place- a connected place- it would be a lot like Camp Bethany.
It seems to me that everyone (staff ) comes for some reason of their own. Perhaps they were a camper and have fond memories, perhaps they have a child or a grandchild there and want to share in the experience...... whatever the reason..... once they arrive the sum becomes greater than it's parts....
Once the staff has arrived, the purpose of the camp and the needs of the campers become a common goal. Each child is recognized as unique. The campers and the staff have lots and lots of fun, but the purpose of the camp- to aquaint children early with the grace of God- is never forgotten.
There is a balance at camp that doesn't exist in the rest of the world. Lots of hard work- lots of fun. Lots of activity- lots of rest. Who would ever think that one would hear a bunch of kids cheer when FOYB (Flat On Your Back- rest time) is announced each afternoon? Always dessert! and always salads

It always fascinates me to notice how adults change at camp...... the stern minister who sits up at night between 2 bunks telling stories until the weary, homesick children fall asleep.....the slapstick teenager who comes with tears in their eyes looking for advice for a heartsick child, the person who sits stiff in the pew on Sunday morning soaked with a bucket of water during a skit....

Occasionally there is a bit of dissention among staff- no way that could not happen. It never seems to escalate to the point of interfering with the purpose of camp.

People pray at camp. Together or alone.

Camp Bethany seems to me to be a thin place.....

2) I first arrived at Camp Bethany 9 years ago. Unwilling. Upset. Scared. Mad. Alex had been diagnosed with juvenille diabetes <2 weeks before. I was determined to show him that diabetes would not stop him from doing anything- so I wanted him to be at camp. I was terrified of diabetes and the impact it might have on his life- so I could not/ would not let him go alone. Co incidently!!!! (Ha) that was the year they were scrambling- trying to find a camp nurse- and so it began...
I shudder when I remember the chaos we brought to poor Camp Bethany that year. I was a wreck. I had a 9 y/o who was- well, to put it mildly, POd at the entire world... Between my tears and his tantrums, it amazes me that Camp Bethany remained standing.....
They took such good care of us that year. I looked at the basketball court this week and could still see the images of a young Dwanye- (Jr Counselor back then) playing hours and hours of basketball with Alex. Tears come to my eyes even now as I think of it.... I could go on and on- but suffice it to say that everyone cared for us that week. I thought diabetes was an ending- they made it a beginnning.....

And so, if I'm able, I return every year. I'm drawn back there. I love to be there. There is something in me that wants to give back just a little of what was given to us.
It makes me think of our hospice families- when they are well cared for- they just want to give back.....

Let the circle be unbroken.....

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the written word

2009-08-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

Rather fascinating... the power of the written word... Gille Bolton says "When I write, I say things I didn't know I knew...."

Last night- at a family gathering, I read a photocopied letter written 100plus years ago..... The words were haunting and the images stayed with me through the night....... the description of a little girl, knowing she was about to die, and saying good-bye to her papa...... the request for lots of flowers on the grave "for you know how I love flowers"- the words- our little Forest left us last night..... the image of the rocking chair in which she sat- in which they had carried her from room to room.....

Tonight I sat around another table- in the same town in which little Forset must have lived- and died. These people at the table are really strangers to me- though I liked them on sight and we have a blood connection that goes back through the generations. They had speant their morning searching the death records and have discovered what certainly must be the recording of the end of Forest' life at the age of 12 1/2..... There was a moment, as they shared the story- the tender letter, the realization that Forest could only have been a preteen- the putting together of the pieces.... there was a moment in which we honored Forest- we honored the pain of her parents- we wondered about them..... we cared for them.... yes, in that brief moment in time, we loved on them....

It is odd to think that a child who passed briefly through this life would be remembered 100 years later...... that members of her family, so much time later, would shed a brief tear, pause a brief pause.... remember that she lived....

It makes me stop and look back- stop and wonder- at all the moements, in all the lives, that have affected my very own life. All the assumptions about life and death.... Grief, resolved or unresolved impacts those who follow. A life well lived will change the life that follows it.... Attention to first things first and doing the right thing will impact those who will follow in our footsteps...

It makes me realize the power of a letter or a story - to evoke emotion- to lead our hearts, to persuade- to change us....

Dan was finishing "The Shack" as I came home tonight...... Powerful book....interesting story... I highly recommend it..... I listened as he went back and read exerpts from it, watched his face change as he described certain scenes.... Certainly parts of the authors life have crept into that story..... as he shares he blesses us...... As he interrprets events- he gives us new eyes through which to view the unseen world around us...

" all that remains is a story...... maybe that's all there ever was" Carole Radziwill

I wonder what will be remembered of our stories...... I wonder how the next generation will be affected by the choices we make..... I wonder how we have been programmed by the choices of those who went before....

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McDonnells and things

2009-07-31T19:57:00.000-07:00

Just home from a family gathering..... a really extended family....

McDonnells from Minnesota were tracing their family roots back a few years ago, and decided to make a pilgramage to the McDonnell family homestead in Newcomerstown Ohio... hoping to find gravestones or records..... Instead, they found the McDonnell tribe- alive and well... They return every couple years - bringing new information and more family. Tonight we were joined by someone from as far away as Seattle...

Fun to see similarities and compare stories. John and Mary McDonnell had 10 children in the early 1800s.... and scraps of this memory and that float around and occasionally connect.

Some of the Minnesota connection brought with them the saddest letter-found preserved in an old trunk "she died today.... " and are setting out tomorrow to try and find the grave of a child that someone wept over 100 or so years ago.....

Nothing like a family....

Dan is curled up reading "The Shack" and sharing exerpts and insights...
Boys voices float down the stairs...

feels blessedly normal...
there is nothing like a family...

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2009-07-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

to restless to sleep.... to tired to stay awake....

left the door open today for one of my favorite patients to work their way in...."doin ok" I asked. "if I were, you wouldn't be here" He said it smiling. He was, of course, right..... Sometimes truth jerks you awake.... Sometime you hope that a visit will be social and pleasant. Sometimes, when you become friends with the people you care for- it is hard to remember that you are the nurse and they.... they are the patient..... that their time here is limited.... that there is unfinished business to be attended to... that there are very real fears, and unspoken thought. there is pain and there is boredom The waiting.....

sometimes it is hard not to acknowledge- not to understand in a very basic, very internal, very unacknowledged level that this will someday be us.... someday be me...... that "there but for the grace of God go I"l

I might have shoved this in- buried it if my son's girlfriend had not observed "you look tired" and suddenly- I was.. tired and lonely and discouraged.... Tired of other people's pain. Wishing for a job that served cones or changed tires.....I could have worked in a preschool and given/received hugs and sticky fingers all day..... Or a park- controlling the rides and watching the people go around and around.

Instead I try to hug myself- to hold it together-to hold it in.... I serve nothing mundane- nothing that is not fraught with life.... and death.... decisions. Every decision is monumental, and though I often feel that I spend my life watching people go round and round- there is always a point where the ride stops and stops abruptly - often throwing people from their appointed seats into a netherworld they did not chose...

sometimes you let yourself feel a little to much.... get a little to close... identify a bit more than is comfortable.... sometimes the shield goes down..... soemtimes, it hurts like hell....

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rocks

2009-07-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about these rocks today..

We saw them a week ago in Tennessee...

It seems like a long time ago....

We spent quite a bit of time at this stream... The boys (adult and teen) jumped from rock to rock and invented countless games...

We cooked by the side of the stream- chicken cooked over charcoal embers..... fresh cherries and peaches.... even smores...... ummm

Everything seems different outdoors. Fresher, cleaner, more inviting....

I wandered upstream a bit and watched as the water gamboled merrily-then, hitting the rocks began to sputter and spit. I watched it froth and bubble, sometimes merrily, sometimes frantically. Downstream a ways the water becomes placid once again- continuing a course that has been set out for it time out of mind....

Like life, I suppose. We wander along merrily, until Bam... we come up against a rock. We sputter, we spin..... The current flows around us but sometimes we seem to get stuck- circling around and around....

Still- the water always manages to make it's way downstream. It emerges, fresh, clean and inviting on the other side....

I remember thinking about rapids a few months ago- just as we hit the new year..... It seems that we have certainly hit our share of boulders in these last few months. I dare to hope that there are placid waters ahead....

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Lift up your eyes to the Hills

2009-07-18T21:11:00.001-07:00

We just returned from a whirlwind trip to Tennessee.... 2 days of driving for 2 days of relaxing. It was worth the trip.

We needed it badly- I don't think I fully realized how stressed I was until I finally found myself alone and stolling over this bridge. The woods were so quiet, the rhodededren so plentiful and beautiful. I felt myself relax as the quiet seeped into my soul.....

There is something about being in the middle of the mountains that no other experience can match. Different mountains have different flavors of course- and the Smokies- to me- seem comforting....

I can remember as a child, sitting in my grandfather's front yard, staring off into the hills. I remember I was feeling desolate- alone.... I must have been 7 or 8 years old. I stared out at the mounds of hills and quietly intoned- in my best, most serious voice "I will lift up mine eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth" I remember feeling comforted- knowing for the first time that there is someone bigger than me- that the God who made the hills was hearing the heart cry of a little girl.

This week, surrounded by His beauty and majesty, I looked up the rest of that chapter. (Ps 121)
"He will not let your foor slip-He who watches over you will not slumber;indeed, He who watches over Isreal will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you-the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night

The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going-both now and forevermore"

I was comforted by those words.

We had been in Gatlinburg, and the Great Smoky Mountains 20 years ago. When I look back at all we have gone through- I see that God really has kept our feet from stumbling. When I look ahead to the next 20 years- I am filled with hope. Right now, it seems very clear that His promises are true....

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Blasts from the past

2009-07-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

What a great week we had....

Friends Marylou and Becky B arrived on our doorstep Wed/Thur for a visit.... What is it about "best friends"? (my BBFs they would be called today) We grew up together-spending hours together all through our 4 years of high school... Endless talks, endless laughs Marylou and I spent hours together on horseback- every chance we got- frequently lost! frequently late- off in our own little world...
She is in S Carolina now, and Becky (not to far) in Findlay- but when we get together it seems that the last 30 years have just been a moment...

Carole arrived from Flordia at the same time- the friend of my 20s. I kept my horse in her stable and spent hours there. We ALL converged on mutual friend Elizabeth-gifted in hospitality and organization who laid out a superb spread and gave us plenty of room for laughter and talk. It was great to see Patty and Matt..... fun to meet again the neighbors of Elizabeth...

All of this activity was going on while while Dan was having his last round of chemo. It was a week I had been absolutely dreading- spending hours worrying about and prayng about.... Through it all, Dan felt fine- enjoyed the company- rested whenever he wanted. Marylou pitched in as a driver..... and though I could feel my anxiety rising at times- they were there to keep me laughing..... And as of today- he is still feeling well...

I got an email from another dear friend this week. She has found a lump- she was told she needs to see a surgeon for further investigation. I was so touched by what she said. She was at work when she received the news that this will require further investigation.... She got in her car to drive home, and almost hit a bird.... The feathered creature flew up in front of her car and proceeded to fly ahead of her for quite a few moments. "I didn't miss the message" she said. For her, seeing the bird in flight was a message straight from our Father- reminding her that He is going ahead of her in this. Beautiful....

I had dreaded this week- worried about it-fretted... But clearly, God was there ahead of us. He knew exactly what we needed, who we needed and He has made our path straight this week....

camp and things

2009-07-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

retrieved Alex from diabetic camp yesterday
drove the 368 or so miles home with the radio on- felt so great to hear "America" "I'm proud to be an American (God bless the USA)" "My country tis of thee- great land of liberty"
Seemed like no matter what station we hit- and we hit alot of them- someone was playing something to make you remember

Drove through lots of country- the heartland- fields of corn, stacks of hay

He had a great time at camp- as always..... Amazing to me what they are able to do there..... zip lines, horse back riding, "crud wars", swimming all interspersed with diabtetic education.... Such a difference in perspective.... So many view diabetes as so limiting- they tell these kids over and over in so many ways that they can do whatever they set their minds and hearts to... Good lesson for us all- not to let our limitations define us but to let them make us push our boundaries and explore our options..... They even got to meet -and spend time talking with- the olympic skier who was diagnosed with diabetes.... what an inpiration for them.... and where else would they be able to do all that and spend time with kids from other cultures.... has to be life changing

we are so blessed to have found the aptly named "No Limits" diabetes camps.... and Dr Sam who quietly and competently brings his vision to fruition year after year....

makes me think about the people we see in hospice- seems that we have become more and more focused on the dying - when so much of what we could be focused on is the living...

addendum

2009-07-02T04:01:00.000-07:00

Left here thinking about friendships yesterday and drove to Zanesville....

"just happened" on the way home- to catch Midday Connection-where the focus of the conversation was Friendships of Women...... odd, because I normally can't pick up that station until I am almost in Tuscarawas County....

I Love it when things "just happen".... The whole disscussion centered around friendships- what can go wrong when we make a friend the be all and end all in our lives- when we become too dependent- when we make a person an idol...
I've also been listening to "The Shack" on CD- so I popped it in for the tail end of the drive home... and strangely enough.... seemed to pick up threads of the same theme
and....Dwight's blog about Michael Jackson and his continual searching for love seemed to solidify the thoughts...

so...this morning... I'm thinking about that... how friends stay friends; how we stay connected- woven together- if we hold each other lightly- remembering that our dependence needs to be on God.... It is so easy for me to try and put people in that God space.... I do it all the time... then it seems like God taps me on the shoulder and reminds me gently where He should be...

I've been struggling so much in these last few months because it seems like so many people in my life are shifting at the same time.... moving, changing jobs etc etc etc My perceptions and perspectives have been off- so even people who haven't physically moved seemed to have shifted- like someone picked up the chess board and tilted it.... I am so grateful for the few relationships that have remained solid/stationary... like touchstones....

It does seem however- that every single time i/we have needed anything- there has been someone right there- often times someone unexpected...

late again- better get to work.... just wanted to put this thought in a place where I could return to it!

smile because it happened

2009-07-01T04:55:00.000-07:00

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" Dr Suess

One of my favorite quotes- though often hard to remember....

Had a going away dinner for my friend and co-worker, Cynthia, last night. It is still hard for me to believe that she is really moving 1000 miles away (give or take a mile or two) We started working in hospice at just about the same time. I have learned so much from her. So much knowledge, compassion and passion all in one compact package. Always there with a smile, a laugh, a listening ear- and she gives the best hugs....

I find I'm not great at letting go- which I suppose can be a bad thing? maybe? but I am pretty good at staying connected to those that I care about....

It's a funny thing how relationships are formed and strengthened- wonder it's by accident or design? Funny how some people come and go from your life without leaving much of a trace- and some relationships seem to be cemented.... Funny how some relationships flourish despite time and distance while others fade before our eyes....

A friend from S Carolina called me yesterday on the way to work.... We have seen each other only a handful of times in the last decade- but we always pick right back up where we left off in the conversation.... I remember feeling devastated when she moved.....

would love to keep following this thought and see where it leads.. but I need to put some time and distance between me and my house and get to work......

growing up....

2009-06-27T06:45:00.000-07:00

Dan and Nate are close to leaving Indianna and will be home this afternoon

Alex and I will be leaving for Indianna where he will spend a week at diabetic camp.... probably his last one....

It's been a great place for him to go every summer. I remember the first year- he was 10- I was such a wreck about leaving him with total strangers that I went too and spent a week being "nurse" to a bunch of 10y/o girls with diabetes. The girls complained that our laughing woke them up in the morning- only fair- we were up half the night sneaking in to check their blood sugars! I think I had more fun than he did that year! What a great place- what great people.... The camp has quite the international flavor as there are a good many kids from Russia who attend.... I remember fondly my little one from Khavastan (sp?) She must be all grown up now.... I heard that she is planning to be a nurse....

I was assigned a doctor that year also- who spoke no English. We smiled, nodded and somehow managed to communicate nicely...

Alex and I have had a great week.... We went to his college orientation on Thursday. Friday he went out and got himself a full time job! All on his own- with no helpful advice from mom! Even picked out his own clothes! He'll start the week he comes back and work until school starts. Halleluhah.

Last night I sat on the porch swing and watched him put on a one man Harlem globetrotters show...."hey mom, watch this" It seems that no matter how old they get, men never lose the boy inside (at least the good ones don't!)

nuthins

2009-06-22T23:02:00.000-07:00

The wedding was beautiful.... perfect even...

Spent Father's Day at brother Bill's house- how they managed to pull off a Father's Day get together the day after the wedding is beyond me- but it was a lovely day. Weather was perfect- kids all had a great time splashing and reconnecting. Lost of good visiting....
Great to see my nephew Mike- with his lovely wife and adorable toddler home from California. Seems like just yesterday Mike was the toddler! It's official- I'm old!

Dan and Nate left for camp Sunday morning- so they missed the Father's Day festivities- think they are enjoying camp enough to make up for that however.... They always have a great time...

The boys pooled their resources to take Dan to an Indians game the Sunday before- so all in all, he should have had a great dad's day this year..

The patriarchs in our family are looking old- that is hard to see....

It is the middle of the night and I am just rambling- so back to bed! I've discovered Facebook- which seems to be a dangerous time waster! but entertaining!

Night!

2009-06-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

Today is my nephew Mark's wedding day....

In an hour we will gather at the church, to watch Mark and Nicole promise their lives to each other.... Their eyes will glowing- she will be beautiful- he will be beaming....

It has been storming the last couple days- winds and rains, branches falling to the ground.... Suddenly, it seems that the sun has broken through and is shining just for them....

It was that way on our wedding day 20 years ago...

Mark entered the world happy and content. It seems he has never changed... Nicole seems to share his outlook.....

I hope that as they go through life- though the storms will rage around them- that they will find lasting peace and contentment with each other...